Charmed Does The Countryside
by Paigeriffic
Summary: Wowo! Its a Charmed family outing! Lets expect humour, weirdness, numerous Charmeded references, guest apperances from other ff.net authors and random celebrities. This time on CDTC: Sharks, bells and vortexes, oh my!
1. Lets go outside lets go outside in the s...

1 Charmed does the countryside  
  
  
  
PROO: ok bitches, lets get moving…….the countryside ain't gonna appreciate itself.  
  
PIPER: what makes you think that we will appreciate it?  
  
PROO RAISES HER FIST AND PIPER WHIMPERS  
  
PROO: Pheebs come on, stop playing with Cole and get down here.  
  
PHOEBE: what do you mean stop playing with Cole I was playing with Le…Cole.  
  
PROO GIVES ONE OF HER WEIRD LOOKS TO PHOEBE  
  
PROO: but didn't you just say you weren't playing with Cole?  
  
PHOEBE: what would you know? You are as deaf as you are blind!  
  
PROO: how dare you, I do not have a lady bald spot!  
  
PHOEBE GIVES PIPER A 'SEE WHAT I MEAN' LOOK, WHILE PROO ADVANCES MENACINGLY ON A BROOM AND STARTS TO SLAP IT  
  
PIPER: For gods sakes Proo! What is it with you and that broom? Anyways it was Pheebs who said you had a lady bald spot….i mean that you were blind and deaf.  
  
PHOEBE: PIPER! She'll spank me now…mmmm…I mean…shut up!  
  
PIPER: yeah sure, whatever freakshow.  
  
SHE CALLS FOR LEO AND COLE…THEY SKIP DOWN THE STAIRS HAND IN HAND  
  
LEO: god Cole, you look so good in panty hoes.  
  
COLE: shucks, you don't look so bad yourself.  
  
PIPER: um..hello…lurver and lurver of my sister, what are you talking about?  
  
THEY LOOK AT EACH AND THEN LEO GIGGLES  
  
LEO: we were dressing up in Proo's clothes and pretending to be queen of the world.  
  
PHOEBE: I do that all the time!  
  
EVERYONE GOES QUIET AND AN ALYSSA MILANO SONG IS HEARD COMING FROM UPSTAIRS  
  
PHOEBE: oops, left my CD player on again.  
  
SHE RUNS UPSTAIRS AND STARTS TO SING ALONG  
  
PAIGE: they sound alike don't they?  
  
PROO: ye gods Paige! Where did you come from?  
  
PAIGE: I am everywhere, I have eyes and ears everywhere, I am your worst nightmare..i mean….i was shopping for the picnic  
  
PIPER: funny you should mention nightmares…  
  
SHE GESTURES UPSTAIRS TO WHERE PHOEBE IS WAILING ALONG TO MILANO'S SONG….EVERYONE LAUGHS TO BREAK THE AWKWARD SILENCE  
  
PIPER: Phoebe we are going now, get down here or I will send Proo up  
  
PHOEBE SCREAMS AND THERE IS A SOUND OF CRASHING, THEN SHE FALLS THROUGH THE CEILING AND LANDS ON THE CLOCK  
  
PROO: well it was only a matter of time before that clock was broken.  
  
THEY ALL NOD KNOWINGLY AND HEAD TOWARDS THE DOOR…NO ONE OFFERS TO HELP PHOEBE OR EVEN SEE IF SHE IS DEAD  
  
LEO: I spose I should heal her…that's if she's still alive  
  
PIPER SNIGGERS AND THEN SLAPS PAIGE  
  
PIPER: how can you laugh at the fact that your sister might be dead?  
  
PROO TUTS LOUDLY AND PIPER HI 5'S HERSELF  
  
PIPER : bam! bitch went dahn (she whispers)  
  
PROO: goddamn! We need to get out of here, Cole pick her up and we'll heal her if we get time.  
  
SHE STRIDES OUT DRAGGING PIPER BY THE HAIR, LEO AND COLE WALK OUT HOLDING HANDS AND DRAGGING PHOEBE, PAIGE FOLLOWS AT A DISTANCE…KEEPING TO THE SHADOWS AND HISSING WHEN SUNLIGHT TOUCHES HER FACE  
  
Chapter 2 coming soooooooooooooooon 


	2. Wowo! Chapter 2, still not in the countr...

PROO STRODE INTO THE SUNLIGHT, IT MADE HER SQUINT EVEN MORE…HARD TO BELIEVE I KNOW BUT…SHHHH STORY TIME NOW  
  
  
  
PROO: ooooo piper, look at that cute guy over there!  
  
PIPER: ugh, Proo you are pointing at a tree  
  
PROO LOOKS EMBARASSED AND LIES  
  
PROO: No Piper, I meant behind the tree.  
  
PIPER: But that's a lamppost! Proo just shush now and stop embarrassing yourself.  
  
PROO: No I mean BEHIND the lamppost!  
  
PIPER: There's squirrel behind the lamppost that's behind the tree.  
  
PROO: Nuh uh.  
  
PIPER: Yuh huh.  
  
PROO: Nuh uh.  
  
PIPER: Yuh huh, looks its coming over and wagging its tail.  
  
PROO: Are you sure that's his 'tail'?  
  
SHE SNORTS WITH LAUGHTER AND STARTS TO WALK DOWN THE STEPS TREADING ON THE SQUIRREL AS SHE GOES  
  
PIPER: I should care about the squirrel…..but I don't…whats with that?  
  
LEO: Piper have you been hurting squirrels again?  
  
PIPER: No it was Proo….hey! what do you mean AGAIN?  
  
LEO: I didn't mean anything…look a tree!  
  
SHE TURNS ROUND TO LOOK AND HE RUNS OFF  
  
PIPER: Curses! Where are Cole and Phoebe?  
  
COLE WAS IN THE MANOR TRYING TO WAKE PHOEBE UP..HE WAS WHIMPERING  
  
COLE: Phoebe! Wake up! I need some lurvin.  
  
PIPER: Cole! Is that all you think about?  
  
COLE: No, I also think about lettuce and other salad vegetables.  
  
PIPER: Oh…well…that's ok then…um….so you like cucumber?  
  
COLE: Do I ever! I like the shape..so long…so smooth and green like Leo's…nothing.  
  
PIPER: Like Leo's what? Hmmmmm? Hmmmmmmm?  
  
COLE: Like his…um…long smooth green painted stick.  
  
PIPER: Ye gods, could you be any more obvious.  
  
COLE: You mean you know I'm lying?  
  
PIPER: Duh yuh huh, everyone knows Leo has short, lumpy and purple stick. When you decide to tell me the truth then come and find me.  
  
SHE SLAPS PHOEBE AND DRAGS HER OUTSIDE. THE SQUIRREL IS MAKING INJURED NOISES AND IS WAVING ITS LEGS FEEBLY  
  
PHOEBE: Uh…my bones hurt…and stuff.  
  
PIPER: Well duh, you fell on the clock and broke it.  
  
A SUDDEN EXPLOSION IS HEARD FROM THE INSIDE AND COLE IS THROWN OUT THE DOOR  
  
COLE: The clock just exploded!  
  
EVERYONE LOOKS ACCUSINGLY AT PIPER  
  
PIPER: What?! It wasn't me…don't look at me like that…look at Proo, she thought that squirrel was a cute guy.  
  
PHOEBE: What squirrel? OMG! The squirrel!  
  
SHE CRAWLS OVER TO IT AND MAKES SQUIRREL NOISES, THE SQUIRREL ALSO MAKES SQUIRREL NOISES….BIG SURPRISE THERE..  
  
PIPER: What are you doing now?  
  
PHOEBE: Talking to the squirrel.  
  
PIPER: How can you?  
  
PHOEBE: It's a little used and even less talked about power I learnt.  
  
PIPER: You so want to be Bubbles..anyways. What did it say?  
  
PHOEBE: The squirrel is hurt, it said that some squint eyed person trod on it….i am assuming that Proo did it.  
  
PROO: What makes you think I did it?  
  
PHOEBE: Well the fact that you have that squin…..lady bald spot.  
  
PROO: I so don't, I am so gonna vanquish you sorry a…  
  
PHOEBE: AND the fact you have squirrel blood on your shoe.  
  
PROO: Touche.  
  
PIPER: Who died and made her Sherlock Holmes?  
  
SHERLOCK HOLMES GHOST: I did.  
  
PIPER: Ok then.  
  
THEY ALL GO QUIET AND AN ALYSSA MILANO SONG IS HEARD, EVERYONE EXCEPT PHOEBE GOES PALE  
  
PHOEBE: Ooops, left my CD player on again..i'll just go turn it off.  
  
SHE SKIPS OFF BUT PROO TK'S THE DOOR SHUT IN HER FACE  
  
PROO: Stop right there missy, remember what happened last time you went to turn that accursed song off.  
  
PHOEBE LOOKS BLANK AND THEN SMILES  
  
PHOEBE: Did I get candy?  
  
PIPER: NO DUMBASS, you fell through the freaking ceiling  
  
PHOEBE: I bet I had a big boo boo  
  
PIPER: You still do..look your arm is ½ hanging off and you have a large chunk of wood sticking out your stoopid neck.  
  
PHOEBE: So I do, whats for lunch?  
  
PIPER LOOKS A BIT DAZED AND JUST WALKS OFF  
  
PHOEBE: Well? Is it eggs? I like eggs…they're bouncy  
  
PAIGE: You can have eggs when we get to the countryside  
  
PROO: Ye gods Paige! Where did you come from?  
  
PAIGE: Déjà vu. Lets just get moving…the sun is making look like a normal non pale person  
  
SHE SHUDDERS AND ORBS TO THE SHADE  
  
PROO: OK MOVE MOVE MOVE PEOPLE, WE GOTS TO SEE THE COUNTRYSIDE  
  
PIPER: woo hoo….  
  
THEY ALL WALK DOWN THE STEPS AND ONTO THE ROAD  
  
Well that's another chapter, and they still haven't managed to get out of Prescott street..ah well.  
  
Chapter 3 coming soonish probably 


	3. Its chapter 3! Paige and Piper do some b...

THEY ALL STAND ON THE PAVEMENT AND WONDER WHAT TO DO  
  
PROO: Ahhh I can almost smell the fresh country air!  
  
PIPER: Sure you do freakshow..sure you do.  
  
PROO: Ok missy, I am getting mighty pissed off with your attitude.  
  
PIPER: Attitude? What attitude? Proo are you having another one of your 'episodes'?  
  
PROO: There you again! Always sarky and patronising! You think you are so much better than me because you know big words.  
  
PROO'S LOWER LIP TREMBLES AND PIPER LOOKS GUILTY  
  
PIPER: I'm sorry Proo; I really am…let's go pick on Phoebe, that always makes you feel better.  
  
PROO: Ok then, but this time don't scream "ahhhhh my, lurver my lurver..don't hurt her!" every time I hit her.  
  
PIPER: I never said that, that's a lie and a blasphemous lie at that.  
  
PIPER PULLS OUT HER MOBILE AND STARTS TO DIAL HER LAWYERS  
  
PROO: Piper! Not the lawyers! I used to be a rich mother trucker before you got those damn lawyers.  
  
PIPER: Now I'm a rich mother trucker.  
  
SHE SMIRKS AND LOOKS LOVINGLY AT HER TRUCK FULL OF MOTHERS.  
  
LEO: INCOMING!  
  
HE RUNS FORWARD AND PUSHES PIPER OUT THE WAY AS THE CLOCK (WE ALL KNOW WHICH CLOCK I MEAN) PLUMMETS FROM THE SKY AND CRASHES TO SPLINTERS IN THE SPOT WHERE PIPER WAS JUST STANDING  
  
PROO: Praise be to Astral Proo!  
  
PAIGE: Where did Piper go?  
  
PHOEBE: To Disney land? I hope she did…no wait I don't. Why didn't she take me?  
  
SHE STARTS TO CRY AND COLE COMES UP AND PUTS HIS ARM ROUND HER….LEO GLARES AND LOOKS JEALOUS  
  
PIPER: No I didn't go to Disney land dumbass, I was pushed down the freaking drain!  
  
THEY ALL LOOK DOWN THE DRAIN AND SEE PIPER SITTING IN THE SEWEAGE  
  
PHOEBE: Wooooo! That looks better than Disney land!  
  
SHE JUMPS DOWN THE HOLE AND STARTS SPLASHING IN THE DISEASE RIDDEN WATER  
  
PROO: Ewwww Phoebe, very ewwww.  
  
SHE JUMPS DOWN ANYWAY AND JOINS IN, COLE AND LEO BLINK DOWN…EH? BLINKING? WHATS WITH THAT? CURSES….  
  
PIPER: What is wrong with you freakshows? You are playing in raw sewage!  
  
PROO: Your point being….?  
  
PIPER: Proo! I am shocked at you, this I would expect from Phoebe..but you are the sensible sister.  
  
SHE STARTS TO WALK DOWN THE SEWER AND MUTTERING TO HERSELF  
  
PIPER: I wouldn't be surprised if Patty had an affair with someone else and I am only ½ related to these freaks…maybe I should get to know Paige..  
  
SHE IGNORES THE FOOLS BEHIND HER CATCHES UP WITH PAIGE  
  
PIPER: Hey Paige, whatcha doing?  
  
PAIGE: Hi…..um…Piper..I was just walking. They really really piss me off after a while.  
  
PIPER: Tell me about it! Hey, it should be dark down here but it isn't..wheres all the light coming from?  
  
PAIGE BLUSHES AND FACES PIPER…A GHOSTLY WHITE LIGHT SHINES OFF HER FACE  
  
PIPER: I guess they don't call you whitelighters for nothing..hehe.  
  
PAIGE: Piper, your ok.  
  
PIPER: I am aren't I.  
  
THEY WALK ROUND THE CORNER AND BUMP INTO A LARGE DEMON. PIPER SCREAMS BUT PAIGE SMILES  
  
DEMON: Hey Paige.  
  
PAIGE: Hey Larry, hows things?  
  
DEMON: So so, you know the usual.  
  
PAIGE: Sure do, anyways see ya around..and give my love to Betty and the kids.  
  
DEMON: Yeah I will, oh she wanted me to thank you for that recipe, the kids loved it.  
  
PAIGE: You can thank Piper for that.  
  
PIPER: Noooo problem..bye bye now.  
  
SHE GRABS PAIGE'S ARM AND THEY WALK OF DOWN THE TUNNEL  
  
PROO: Phoebe this isn't as fun as you made it seem….its full of all kinds of crap..literally. Hey! Look what I found!  
  
SHE HOLDS UP A SMALL GOLD RING AND SHINES IT  
  
PHOEBE: OOOOOOO shiny! Give it me!  
  
PROO: Back off bitch..I found it so it's mine.  
  
PHOEBE STARTS TO CRY AND PROO TENTATIVELY PUTS THE RING ON. THERE IS A SUDDEN FLASH OF LIGHT AND A SCREAM FROM PROO  
  
PROO: AVAST THERE MATEYS!  
  
COLE: What the hell?  
  
PHOEBE: Cooool, Proos got an eye patch! And a bandana..and a sword….and a…a..parrot?  
  
PROO: AYE, HER NAME BE POLLY…POLLY THE PARROT.  
  
PIPER AND PAIGE ORBS IN FROM UP THE TUNNEL AND BOTH LOOK CONFUSED  
  
PIPER: Whats with the shouting? And where did Proo go? And where did that pirate come from?  
  
PAIGE: Um Piper…that pirate has a squint.  
  
PROO: NO I DON'T WENCH  
  
SHE SWITCHES THE EYE PATCH TO COVER HER SQUINT  
  
PHOEBE: Oh my god, that pirate is Proo!  
  
PIPER: Well duh….ow! PROO! Your parrot just bit me!  
  
PROO: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, AVAST WENCH.  
  
PIPER: Stop with the shouting and stop calling us wenches.  
  
LEO: I kinda liked being called wench…..who said that?!  
  
EVERYONE LOOKS AT HIM AND HE POINTS AT COLE  
  
PROO: AVAS…  
  
PAIGE: What does avast even mean?  
  
PIPER: Who knows?  
  
THEY ALL STAND STILL AND QUIET BECAUSE THIS IS BORING ME NOW AND I CAN'T THIINK OF ANYTHING ELSE TO WRITE IN THIS CHAPTER 


	4. Still in the sewers, but wait til the en...

THEY ARE STILL STANDING STILL. A RAT IS CLIMBING UP PHOEBE'S LEG. PIPER AND PAIGE ARE BITCHING TO EACH OTHER ABOUT THEIR DUMBASS SISTERS. COLE AND LEO ARE MAKING OUT BEHIND A BIG PILE OF SEWER RUBBISH STUFF..FLOTSAM? WHO KNOWS, MORE TO THE POINT WHO CARES?  
  
PROO: Avast wench!  
  
SHE SHOUTED TO NO ONE IN PARTICULAR. PIPER SIGHS AND PAIGE PATS HER ON THE SHOULDER  
  
PIPER: She used to be the best one, before she died that is. Since then it's been downhill all the way. Phoebe why are you letting that rat climb on you?  
  
PHOEBE: It feels good..real good.  
  
PIPER: Ok that's enough of that.  
  
SHE FLICKS HER HAND AT THE RAT AND IT BLOWS UP. PHOEBE SCREAMS AND RUNS OFF DOWN THE SEWER. PAIGE SNIGGERS AND HI 5'S PIPER.  
  
PROO: Avast wench!  
  
PIPER: When will you shut up?  
  
PROO: Wench!  
  
PIPER: Dumbass!  
  
PROO: Wenchful Knave!  
  
PIPER: Idium!  
  
PROO'S LOWER LIP TREMBLES AND SHE CRIES. THEN SHE STOPS AND SHOUTS.  
  
PROO: AVAST WENCH!  
  
PIPER: And again with the wench thing.  
  
SUDDENLY THERE IS A RUMBLING AND PHOEBE COMES RUNNING BACK DOWN THE TUNNEL SCREAMING.  
  
PHOEBE: I dun bad! I dun real bad!  
  
PIPER: What did you do now? Did you try to invade China again? Is that the Chinese army coming to reap vengeance again? There are only so many muffin baskets they will take for compensation.  
  
PAIGE: Um Piper..look!  
  
SHE GESTURES AT A FLOOD OF WATER THAT IS THUNDERING TOWARDS THEM. PIPER SIGHS AND PUSHES PHOEBE INTO A WALL.  
  
PROO: AVAST!  
  
SHE JUMPS INTO A CONVENIENT BOAT AND GETS READY TO SAIL. PAIGE ORBS HERSELF AND PIPER INTO THE BOAT AND LEO AND COLE CARRY ON MAKING OUT.  
  
PROO: Thar she blows!  
  
PIPER: Don't you say that when you see a whale?  
  
PROO: Wench!  
  
THE FLOOD OF WATER HITS THE BOAT AND THEY ARE CARRIED DOWN THE SEWER. PHOEBE HAD SOMEHOW GOT HER FOOT TANGLED WITH THE ANCHOR AND WAS BEING A DRAGGED ALONG BEHIND. SHE LIKED IT…FREAKSHOW.  
  
PROO: Thar she blows! Avast! Wench! Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr me harteys! Rum! Ahoy Mateys!  
  
PIPER: Will you shut up!  
  
SHE SLAPS PROO AND PROO LOOSES CONTROL OF THE BOAT. IT VEERS ROUND THE CORNERS AND BUMPS FROM WALL TO WALL.  
  
PAIGE: Piper save me!  
  
PIPER: Ok Paige, just point your face ahead and give us some light.  
  
PAIGE: Ok.  
  
SHE STANDS AT THE FRONT OF THE BOAT AND HOLDS HER ARMS UP. LIGHT POURS OUT HER FACE AND ILLUMINATES THE WAY AHEAD.  
  
PAIGE: Oh Jack…um..Piper. It feels like I'm flying!  
  
LEO ORBS IN BEHIND HER AND PUTS HIS HANDS ROUND HER. HE GETS A LITTLE..ENTHUSIASTIC. OK TO BE BLUNT HE STARTED TO GROPE HER.  
  
PAIGE: Ewwwwwww! PIPER! PIPER! He's groping me!  
  
PIPER: Leo! How could you? You know that groping is Phoebe's job.  
  
LEO: Geez honey, I'm sorry really I am.  
  
HE GOES AND SITS AT THE BACK OF THE BOAT. COLE GOES TO CONFORT HIM.  
  
PROO: Avast!  
  
SHE GRABS CONTROL OF THE BOAT FROM PIPER AND STEERS IT INTO A DRAIN COVER. IT GETS STUCK. SUDDENLY 'THE CLOCK' FLOATS ROUND THE CORNER AND CRASHES INTO THE BOAT. BOTH BLOW UP AND IT ALL GOES DARK.  
  
  
  
SCANTILY CLAD WOMAN 1: Could it be?  
  
SCANTILY CLAD WOMAN 2: Is it she?  
  
SCANTILY CLAD WOMAN 3: I like eggs. I mean. Our queen has returned!  
  
THEY ARE GATHERED AROUND A PILE OF CUSHIONS. ON THE PILE LIES A WET LOOKING WOMAN. AROUND HER NECK IS A SIGN. IT SAYS:  
  
"MY NAME IS FEEBEE, DON'T HURT ME COS I'M DIFFERENT"  
  
The End of chapter 4.  
  
Who are these scantily clad women? Where are Piper and the others? Where is Feebee..um…Phoebe and why do these nearly nekkid ladies think that Phoebe is their queen? Two things are for certain, the ladies look hot and the Charmed Ones are still not in the countryside.  
  
Peace out! How tacky does that sound? Shhhh now. 


	5. Long Live The Queen! Hmmmmmmm thats fami...

SCW = Scantilly Clad Woman  
  
HF = Hunched Figure  
  
SCW NO.1: Wowo! I love this song!  
  
SCW NO.2: We all love this song! Praise be to Alyssa Milano!  
  
A LARGE GROUP OF SCANTILLY CLAD WOMEN ARE HAVING A POOL PARTY. IN THE MIDDLE OF A LARGE….CLUMP…THERE IS A SHORT LITTLE LESBIUM WITH A SIGN ROUND HER NECK.  
  
FEEBEE: Um, where am I? Who are you people?  
  
SCW NO.1: We are the lesbiums of Lesbania. We live on our island in scantily clad peace.  
  
SCW NO.2: You have come to join us O radiant queen! Many years we have waited for your return.  
  
FEEBEE: Um….I like eggs?  
  
SCW NO.1: So do we!  
  
SCW NO.2: Eggs are cool!  
  
FEEBEE: That's what I kept telling Proo! But she hit me and told me to go hump something.  
  
THE SCW'S LOOK SHOCKED AND PAT FEEBEE'S ARM COMFORTINGLY. SHE LIKES IT….LIKES IT A LOT.  
  
SCW NO.1: Those times are over. Now its time for the coronation!  
  
FEEBEE: The coro-what?  
  
SCW NO.2: We give you a hat that shows you are the queen.  
  
FEEBEE: Koo-well! I love dressing up!  
  
SCW NO.1: So do we!  
  
SCW NO.2: SLAVE! GET US THE DRESSING BOX!  
  
SCW NO.1: You mean royal headwear holder?  
  
SCW NO.2: Um….sure.  
  
A HUNCHED FIGURE WALKS OUT OF THE ROYAL CHAMBERS KICKING A SPARKLY BOX ALONG THE GROUND. SHE IS MUTTERING ABOUT LESBIUMS.  
  
HF: Goddamn Lesbiums. If Proo was here it'd be different..oh how it would be different.  
  
SCW NO.1: Hurry up slave. We haven't got all day.  
  
FEEBEE: You have slaves? Can I have a slave?  
  
SCW NO.2: You can have all the slaves you want O lesbium-tastic one.  
  
HF: Here is your sucky box, Suck face.  
  
  
SHE PICKS UP THE BOX AND TURNS TO THE THRONE. WHEN SHE SEES FEEBEE SHE SCREAMS.  
  
HF: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Its Milano! Damn, this means The Lin…um….LIM can't be far behind!  
  
SHE PANICKS AND THROWS THE BOX AT FEEBEE. IT HITS HER IN THE FACE AND MAKES HER CHOKE ON THE DRINK SHE WAS DRINKING.  
  
HF: BAM! …………..  
  
SHE WANTS FOR SOMEONE TO COMPLETE THE PHRASE THEN REMEMBERS THAT SHE IS ALONE APART FROM THE LESBIUMS.  
  
HF: Curses…  
  
FEEBEE: *Cough* Ugh! Help me! *Cough* I'm drowning! I mean….choking! Yes that's the word.  
  
SCW NO.1 RUNS OVER AND GIVES FEEBEE THE HEIMLICH. FEEBEE LIKES IT…LIKES IT A LOT AND LOOKS DISAPOINTED WHEN SHE STOPS.  
  
FEEBEE: Thanks SCW NO.1. For a second there I thought I was going to die.  
  
HF: That's what I was hoping.  
  
SCW NO.2: Stop it…you…you nasty un-lesbium!  
  
HF: OooOOOOOooooOOOOoooo! That's harsh….no wait…..its not.  
  
FEEBEE: Who is this rude un-lesbium?   
  
SCW NO.1: She is someone we found at the brothel. We decided to keep her as a slave because she is evil.  
  
FEEBEE: Why's she evil?  
  
SCW NO.2: She..she..she worships the cursed one!  
  
ALL THE LESBIUMS WHIMPER AND HUMP EACH OTHER PROTECTIVELY.  
  
HF: Oh would you get a room already.  
  
FEEBEE: Who is this..cursed one?  
  
SCW NO.1: Her name is….SHANNEN DOHERTY!  
  
ALL THE LESBIUMS SCREAM AND RUNS FOR COVER. LIGHTNING FLASHES AND THE SOUND OF HOOVES IS HEARD CLIP CLOPPING THROUGH THE SKY.  
  
FEEBEE: Never heard of her I'm afraid….can I have some cake?  
  
HF: Yeah give the CAKEFACE some cake!  
  
THE HF LAUGHS AT HER OWN 'JOKE' WHILE EVERYONE ELSE LOOKS CONFUSED….WELL MORE CONFUSED THAN USUAL.  
  
FEEBEE: Does the evil slave have a name?  
  
SCW NO.2: She goes by the name…..KT. But her friends call her "that Scottish bitch".  
  
KT: At least I have friends….or do I?  
  
SCW NO.1: We must coronate you and then pick someone to sacrifice.  
  
FEEBEE: WOWO! I get a new hat and get to watch a sacrifice all in one day! Proo will be so jealous.  
  
KT: Did you say Proo? Oh praise be!  
  
KT FALLS TO THE GROUND AND DROOLS AT THE THOUGHT OF PROO.  
  
SCW NO.2: Anyway…here is your hat….i mean..crown.  
  
FEEBEE: WOWO! Its so…so…  
KT: Woolly?  
  
FEEBEE: I was going to say Pink but I see your point.  
  
SCW NO.1 PUTS IT ON FEEBEE'S HEAD AND KT GAGS. FEEBEE GIGGLES LIKE A SCHOOL BOY AND SKIPS IN A CIRCLE. THE OTHER LESBIUMS CHEER AND SHOUT AND MAKE LOTS NOISE.  
  
Well that's chapter 5 done…woo…and yes that WAS KT. I told you she was going to be in it..didn't I. 


	6. INSERT WITTY CHAPTER TITLE HERE

PIPER AND PAIGE AND LYING WASHED UP ON A BEACH. LEO IS LYING FURTHER DOWN NEXT TO COLE, STRANGELY HIS HAND IS ON COLE'S BUTT.  
  
PIPER OPENS HER EYES AND BLOWS UP A LARGE PIECE OF WOOD, THAT HAD PINNING HER TO THE GROUND. WITH A GROAN SHE GOT TO HER FEET AND BLEARILY LOOKED AROUND.  
  
PIPER: Jebus, that must have been one wild night. No wait…something's wrong.  
  
SHE STARED SUSPICOUSLY AT THE SAND AND PEBBLES AND SEAWEED.  
  
PIPER: Hmm, did the manor always have a beach? Has that damn Paige been decorating again?  
PAIGE: I heard that! And no I have not, remember the shipwreck..and the clock that blew our boat up?  
PIPER: Ugh, yeah now I do.  
PAIGE: Apologise..or else..  
PIPER: No goddamn! Where are we? Where is the pirate..um..Proo? Where is the lesbium?  
PAIGE: I don't know, but why is Leo groping Cole?  
  
PIPER GIVES PAIGE A LOOK  
  
PIPER: I think we all know the answer to that.  
PAIGE: We do?  
PIPER: Well I do, and I'm the best.  
PAIGE: No argument here.  
PIPER: Good.  
PAIGE: …………shall we check if they're dead?  
PIPER: Um..sure, why not.  
  
THEY WALK OVER TO LEO AND COLE. UNFORTUNATELY PIPER GETS TANGLED IN A DRIFT NET.  
  
PAIGE: Piper! Noooooooooooooooooooooo!  
  
SHE FALLS TO HER KNEES AND CRIES.   
  
PIPER: I'm not dead, I'm just stuck in a GODDAMN net!  
  
PAIGE CARRIES ON CRYING AND STARTS TO MAKE A GRAVESTONE OUT OF ODDLY SHAPED DRIFTWOOD.  
  
PAIGE: Here lies Piper..um…she liked…cooking…amen.  
PIPER: Hey! Dumbass! Look at me live! Look, I'm doing it now!  
  
PIPER LIVES NEXT PAIGE. SHE DOES IT WELL. VERY WELL. EVENTUALLY PAIGE TURNS ROUND AND SEES PIPER CAUGHT IN THE NET.  
  
PAIGE: Piper! You're alive!  
PIPER: What gave it away….  
  
PAIGE LOOKS CONFUSED AND THEN SHRUGS, AFTER TKOBING THE NET OFF….AND ONTO A PASSING DOLPHIN.  
  
PIPER: BAM!   
PAIGE: Dolphin went dahhhhhhhhhhn!  
  
THEY CARRY ON WALKING TO LEO AND COLE  
  
PAIGE: I don't think Leo is breathing.  
PIPER: Oh.  
PAIGE: You wanna save him?  
PIPER THINKS FOR A WHILE. THEN SHE THINKS SOME MORE. PAIGE TUGS AT HER ARM.  
  
PAIGE: Piper, you've been thinking for an hour. Just get the water out of him already!  
PIPER: Done and done.  
  
SHE LIFTS UP HER HANDS TO BLOW HIM UP. BUT PAIGE STOPS HER..BITCH..AND TELLS HER HOW TO DO IT PROPERLY.  
  
PIPER: So I apply force on his chest and blow in his mouth?  
PAIGE: Basically yes.  
  
PIPER THROWS HERSELF ON LEO AND STARTS TO BLOW IN HIS MOUTH. HIS EYES BULGE OUT AND HE STARTS TO CHOKE. THEN SHE STARTS TO HIT HIS CHEST…REAL HARD…OVER AND OVER. WHEN HE TRIES TO GET UP SHE STARTS TO HIT HIM ALL OVER WITH A BIG ROCK.  
  
LEO: Piper! Stop it! Ow ow ow ow goddamn.  
PAIGE: He's ok now Piper!  
PIPER: Oh I know.  
  
SHE CARRIES ON HITTING UNTIL HE ORBS OFF. COLE GETS UP AND FOLLOWS HIM.  
  
PIPER: I should care where they are going….but I don't.  
PAIGE: You wanna find Proo and Feebee?  
PIPER: Why not.  
  
THEY STROLL OFF ALONG THE BEACH. MEANWHILE IN A SHIP WRECK FAR FAR AWAY LIES A PIRATE.  
  
PROO: Avast! My ship! She be ruined! Arrrrrrr! Where be Polly?  
POLLY: Arrrrrr arrrrrrr arrrrrrrr arrrrrrrr arrrrrrrrr arrrrrrrrr arrrrrrrr arrrrr  
  
PROO KILLS POLLY.  
  
PROO: Arrrrrrr arrrrrr arrrrrr arrrrrrr me harteys.  
  
SHE WALKS OFF DOWN THE BEACH UNTIL SHE WALKS INTO A TREASURE CHEST. HER EYES LIGHT UP.  
  
PROO: Treasure! Me harteys!  
  
PIPER AND PAIGE JUMP OUT OF BUSHES  
  
PIPER: Now Paige! Now!  
PAIGE: RING!  
  
SHE GETS THE RING AND TKORBS IT OFF PROO AND ONTO A DOLPHIN…THAT DOLPHIN THEN TURNED INTO A PIRATE AND WENT ON TO RULE THE HIGH SEAS  
  
PROO: Avast! Wenches!  
PIPER: Goddamn! She's still talking like a pirate!  
PAIGE: Maybe, just maybe she was a pirate all along and we just didn't notice.  
  
THEY ALL GO QUIET AND AN ALYSSA MILANO SONG IS HEARD IN THE DISTANCE. THEY ALL SHUDDER.  
  
PIPER: Well she always did have a penchant for anchors…  
PROO: Avas….hahahahahaha dumabsses, of course I'm not a pirate anymore.  
PAIGE: woo?  
PROO: Wench.  
PIPER: Enough, we have to find feebee.  
PAIGE: Do we have to?  
PIPER: I think its best.  
PROO: You know, this is the 6th instalment and we still haven't been into the countryside….like I give a sh*t!  
  
SHE FLEXES HER MUSCLES AND TRIES TO LOOK LIKE A TOUGH REBEL. PIPER AND PAIGE JUST LAUGH. LOUD SHOUTING AND GIRLY SCREAMS ARE HEARD IN THE DISTANCE. 'LYSSIE' SONGS ACCOMPANY THEM.  
  
PIPER: What the hell is going on?   
PAIGE: It sounds like a lesbium coronation, unless I'm much mistaken.  
PRUE: Sounds like they're having fun. There might be alcomahol!  
  
SHE STARTS TO RUN TOWARDS THE SOUND OF 'FUN' LESBIUM PARTAY. PAIGE ORBS OUT WITH PIPER.  
  
  
  
  
So many questions : Where did cole and leo go? How will the lesbiums react to their queen's sisters and the accursed one? Why doesn't proo give a sh*t? Do any of us give a sh*t? I don't ….but what the hell.  
Next chapter coming soon…I'll try to make it better than this. 


	7. New arrivals in the fair city of Lesbani...

PIPER AND PAIGE ORB INTO THE FAIR CITY OF LESBANIA. THEY ARE SHOCKED AND DISGUSTED BY WHAT THEY SEE.  
  
PIPER: Ewwww! Paige, look! Its disgusting.  
PAIGE: I have never seen such a large concentration of lesbiums in all my life.  
PIPER: Its sickening, it really is. Oh my god, could they be any more scantily clad..er?  
PAIGE: No, no they could not.  
  
SUDDENLY PRUE COMES RUNNING UP, HOLDING A BROOMSTICK.  
  
PRUE: Did I miss the lesbiums? Or the alcamahol?  
PAIGE: No, no you did not.  
PIPER: Paige, stop talking like that. It's kinda creepy.  
PAIGE: No, no its not.  
PIPER: Yes, yes it is. Ahhhhhh crap! You made me start doing it.  
PAIGE: Yes, yes I did.  
PRUE: Hey! Stop arguing and ask me why I'm holding a broomstick!  
  
PIPER SIGHS AND DECIDES TO HUMOUR PROO.  
  
PIPER: Proo, why are you carrying that broomstick?  
PROO: I thought it would come in useful.  
PIPER: Is that it?  
PROO: Yes.  
  
THEY GO QUIET AND AN ALYSSA MILANO SONG IS HEARD….NOT IN THE DISTANCE, BUT NEXT TO THEM. WITH A SCREAM PIPER REMEMBERS THE LESBIUMS WHO WERE ALL AROUND THEM.  
  
PIPER: Aiiiiiiiiieeeeeeee! I just remembered that there are lesbiums all around us!  
PROO: Ew.  
PAIGE: Hmmmmm.  
PIPER: What Paige?   
PAIGE: I just thought that we should find Feebee before we deal with the lesbiums.  
PROO: Good plan! No wait its not.  
PIPER: We don't really want or need Feebee….do we?  
PROO: Hell no, we are the strongest and the best Charmed Ones. We don't really need the lesbium at all.  
PAIGE: Amen to that!  
PIPER: Lets go have a pizza party…..On Proo!  
PROO: No you cannot! I'm not a rich mother trucker anymore, I can't afford anything!  
PIPER: No I mean literally on you, we haven't got a table or anything.  
PROO: Riiiiiiight, well as long as I ain't paying I ain't complaining.  
PAIGE: Amen to that!  
  
PIPER STARES AT PAIGE.  
  
PIPER: Didn't you just say that? Like a few sentences back?  
PAIGE: Yes, yes I did.  
PIPER: Ahhhhhhhhhhh!  
PROO: OoooooOOOOOoooooo you made Piper mad, now she'll go and stare at a calming wall or something.  
PIPER: My wall staring days are over Proo. If you hadn't died then you would have known that.  
  
PROO ROLLS HER EYES AND CROSSES HER ARMS  
  
PROO: That's right Piper. Always with the death thing. Do you think I lieked (ha ha lieked) dying? Hmmmmm? Hmmmmmm?  
PIPER: Mumble mumble.  
PROO: Speak up Piper, you're mumbling.  
PIPER: No. I was saying, "Mumble mumble".  
PROO: Why the hell would you do that?  
PIPER: Why wouldn't I do that?  
PROO: Um, I..uh…Oh shut up Piper!  
PIPER: Bam!  
PAIGE: Proo went dahhhhhn!  
  
PROO TUTS AND WISHES SHE WAS DEAD AGAIN. THEN SHE WONDERS WHY SHE IS ALIVE AGAIN…BUT NO ONE KNOWS.  
  
PROO: Well if you've quite finished, maybe we could get round to doing something about the lesbiums.  
  
SHE GESTURES AT THE LESBIUMS WHO WERE WHISPERING TO THEMSELVES AND POINTING AT THEM.  
  
PIPER: I don't like the look of that one there. Yes I'm pointing at you, yes you! The one in the purple.  
  
THE LESBIUM IN PURPLE BLUSHES AND TRIES TO COVER HER PURPLE SCANTY CLOTHES UP. SHE MANAGES WITH EASE, WHAT WITH THERE NOT BEING MUCH OF IT TO COVER…YEAH.  
  
PIPER: Covering it up doesn't make it any better, we all know what's being covered. I suggest you go and change, we'll all feel better.  
  
THE LESBIUM STARTS TO GROWL AND WALK TOWARDS PIPER SHAKING A MINATURE ROLLING PIN AT HER…..WHEN SUDDENLY….KAREN FROM WILL AND GRACE APPEARS!!!!  
  
KAREN: Hey, honey. What's with the purple? What's it all about? What's going on here?  
  
THE LESBIUM STARTS TO CRY AND THEN RUNS OFF WITH HER TAIL BETWEEN HER LEGS.  
  
KAREN: Well, you know what they say about lesbiums in purple?  
PIPER: No actually, I don't.  
KAREN: Me neither, that's why there was a question mark at the end of what I said. Honey, I have to go make some other people feel bad about their clothes, bub bye!  
  
SHE DISAPEARS IN A CLOUD OF PINK SPARKLES.  
  
PAIGE: That was…strange.  
PROO: But you can't fault her fashion sense, well you could try I suppose….but you would be wrong. WRONG I TELLS YA!  
PIPER: Proo! Focus!  
  
SHE SLAPS PROO AND THE LESBIUMS MAKE 'TURNED ON' NOISES.  
  
PROO: Piper! Don't do that again, they like it.  
PAIGE: Like it a lot.  
PIPER: Hey, I gotta tell you something!  
PROO: What?  
PAIGE: Tell me now or I might die.  
PIPER: This chapter is going no where and has to end. Right about……….now.  
  
Chapter 8 is done, review me or else….ok ok, idle threat. I can't actually do anything to you at all. OooooooOOOOOooooo! Sneak peak into an up and coming chapter, Meagan the Australium, will be starring alongside KT and the others in this mess that is "CHARMED DOES THE COUNTRYSIDE". 


	8. The Devil Speaketh And Doth Delivereth T...

Lone horse woman = LHW  
  
PIPER TURNS TO ONE OF THE LESBIUMS. SLOWLY AND CAREFULLY SHE SPOKE TO IT…I MEAN…HER.  
  
PIPER: Can…you…take…us…to…Feebee?  
LESBIUM: Fee-bee?  
PAIGE: Its no good Piper, they're just to stupid.  
PIPER: I see why Feebee chose to come here then.  
  
THEY HI 5 EACH OTHER AND LAUGH LOUDLY. PROO WALKS UP TO ONE OF THEM AND RAISES HER FIST THREATENINGLY.  
  
PROO: Tell me where the biggest lesbium you ever saw is!  
LESBIUM: Um, sure. Just go over to that big pile of lesbiums with the cynical Scottish chick pointing and laughing at them. She should be in the pile somewhere.  
PIPER: Will do. Come on, we might as well get her out of here now we're here.  
PAIGE: I don't know how much more of this I can stand.  
  
PAIGE SLAPS A LESBIUMS HAND OFF HER THIGH AND ORBS ONTO PROO'S BACK.  
  
PROO: Paige! How many times have I told you not to ride me?  
PAIGE: About…Five?  
PROO: Yes five. Five whole times. You better start listening or I'll think you are turning into a dumb Feebee type sister.  
  
PAIGE JUMPS DOWN AND POUTS.  
  
PROO: Don't pout at me missy! I've had enough of people thinking I'm a horse or some other beast of burden.  
PAIGE: Well it's not my fault. I heard it on the Internet.  
PROO: Tell me the site and I'll go and show them how hard a 'horse' can kick.  
PAIGE: www.Piper-reveals-all.com.  
  
THEY BOTH TURN TO PIPER AND SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.  
  
PIPER: Wowo…that sure is a kerazy coincidence. Ha…ha…ha…yeah coincidence…that's it.  
PROO: I'll deal with you later. Now onward to the lesbium!  
  
THEY WALK ABOUT 20 METRES UNTIL THEY REACH A HUGE THROBBING MASS OF SCANTILY CLAD LESBIUMS. PROO TAPS THE SCOTTISH GIRL ON THE SHOULDER.  
  
PROO: Hey, you look like the most normal person around here.  
PIPER: Although that's not saying much, now is it?  
KT: Who to the…oh my god. OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD.  
  
SHE FAINTS AND PROO KICKS HER TILL SHE GETS UP.  
  
PROO: Tell us how to get rid of lesbiums. Our sister is trapped at the bottom of that pile.  
KT: Yes oh wise and powerful 'diet-y'. Play the music of their devil and they should blow up.  
PROO: Their devil? Who the feck is their devil?  
KT: The wise and powerful AP.  
PIPER: AP? Methinks this kid tried to get high on nutmeg again.  
PAIGE: Again?  
PIPER: I have no idea why I said again…or do I?  
KT: Hey! You talk like me! How coo.  
PIPER: Woo?  
  
THE CONVERSATION CARRIED ON LIKE THAT FOR ANOTHER FEW HOURS. MEANWHILE IN A FIELD FAR, FAR AWAY, TWO CLOSET LUBBERS SHIMMER IN.  
  
LEO: Hey hunk. Where are we?  
COLE: I have no idea.  
LEO: You wanna make out?  
COLE: Do I ever!  
  
SUDDENLY, FROM NOWHERE, A LONE HORSEWOMAN COMES GALLOPING UP TO THEM.  
  
LEO: Ok, well that was unexpected.  
COLE: Do I ever! I mean, yeah it sure was.  
LHW: Bam. Bitchos. Woo.  
COLE: Wait a gosh darn second. You are talking with an Australium accent!  
LHW: So are you!  
LEO: What is this? Australiums anonymous? Ha aha aha aha ha. You get it? Like the AA but I changed the words!  
  
THERE IS SILENCE AND AN ALYSSA MILANO SONG IS HEARD. THE LHW SHIVERS AND COLE GIVES HER HIS COAT.  
  
COLE: There you go.  
LHW: By the way, I'm Meagan…Meagan the Australium.  
COLE: Cool. I'm Cole…Cole the bastard. Lubbed by some, despised by many, many more.  
MEAGS: That's…nice?  
COLE: Damn straight. Say, I know we've only just met and everything but I was wondering…  
MEAGS: Wondering what?  
COLE: Would you…Barbeque with me?  
  
MEAGS BLUSHES AND THEN SMILES.  
  
MEAGS: I sure will, but don't let it get out. I'm not usually that kind of girl.  
  
THEY SKIP OFF HAND IN HAND AND BARBEQUE IN HAPPY PEACE. LEO SITS ON THE GROUND AND MAKES OUT WITH HIMSELF...EW…THAT'S WRONG, O SO WRONG. MEANWHILE BACK IN LESBANIA…  
  
KT: You know, I've just realised you look surprisingly like one of my kids fathers.  
PIPER: What the…how can…you freak!!!  
PROO: I'll ask you once more little girl. Who is their devil and where can we get some of his music?  
KT: I think I told you already.  
PROO: No, no you did not. Ahhh crap! I'm talking like Paige now.  
PIPER: You told us a lot of other stuff…but not the only thing we wanted to know.  
KT: Oh well.  
  
SHE SITS IN SILENCE UNTIL PAIGE WHISPERS SOMETHING IN HER EAR. SHE GETS UP WITH A SCREAM AND SHOUTS.  
  
KT: Shannen Doherty! Get the music of Shannen Doherty!  
PIPER: Did you say, Shannon Dorothy?  
KT: No you fool! I said Shannen fecking Doherty!  
PIPER: Oh, ok. My mistake.  
PAIGE: Shannen Doherty CD!  
  
PAIGE TKORBS A SHAZZER DOHERTY CD INTO HER HAND AND PUTS IT INTO A CD PLAYER. SHE FLICKS IT ON AND KT STARTS TO SING ALONG…BADLY.  
  
"Tired of all the violence; we've lost lives enough,  
And I'm tired of all the nudity so much sex and without love,"  
  
PIPER: You know that verse is apt.  
PAIGE: Yeah apt, but not like a fox.  
PROO: Cos foxes are never ever apt.  
OLLY: They don't lie to me, no not ever.  
PIPER: Sure…  
  
"And I'm tired of all the smokers blowing smoke in my face,  
And the same old boring models decorating every fashion page."  
  
PROO: Look! It's working! It's working!  
  
THE LESBIUMS BEGAN TO SCREAM AND BURST INTO FLAMES. AFTER ANOTHER FEW VERSES OF SHAZZER THEY WERE ALL GONE. WELL, ALL APART FROM ONE. THE BIGGEST LESBIUM OF THEM ALL…QUEEN FEEBEE.  
  
FEEBEE: Hello cousins, or is it sisters now?  
PAIGE: Say what? Have you been smoking nutmeg with KT again?  
PIPER: Ahhh feck! She's turned evil again.  
  
  
A/n Woooo! This chapter is done! I don't know what chapter it is but what the hey. You probably won't understand some of the stuff that's going on…and that's your own fault for not knowing me and/or KT and the other members of the biggest 'lyssie' haters on Fanfiction.net   
A/n Oh yeah, and AP is Astral Prue…don't question, just accept. 


	9. Lightning can strike twice in the name o...

FEEBEE LOOKS CONFUSED AND THEN FROWNS AT PIPER.  
  
FEEBEE: No really, I can't remember. Are we sisters or cousins now?  
PIPER: This kind of thing should shock me, but I am so used to it.  
  
PAIGE NODS SYMPATHETICALLY AND THEN TURNS TO PROO. PROO IS DANCING AND SINGING ALONG TO THE SHAZZER DOHERTY MUSIC.  
  
PROO: Tired of all the violence… ooo yeah... dooby dooby  
PAIGE: Proo, Proo! Stop singing, its just making a bad thing worse.  
  
PROO SCOWLS AND THEN LIGHTNING STRIKES PAIGE.  
  
PROO: That was random, hey. That gives me an idea. Feebee say that Shannen Doherty sucks.  
FEEBEE: With pleasure! SHANNEN DOHERTY SUCKS, SHE SUCKS BIG TIME!  
PIPER: Ooo, you've done it this time.  
FEEBEE: Done what? What did I do? Did I do good? Do I get a sucke…  
  
PAIGE PUNCHES FEEBEE AND THEN HOLDS UP HER HAND.  
  
PAIGE: Shh! I hear something.  
  
SHE PUTS HER EAR TO THE GROUND AND THEN JUMPS UP WITH A SCREAM.  
  
PAIGE: Piper, Proo, get over undercover. Something big is coming.  
  
LEO BLINKS IN, A SMUG LOOK ON HIS FACE. PIPER ROLLS HER EYES AND SNORTS.  
  
PIPER: You wish, Mr. -insert little finger wave here-  
LEO: You hurt me, Cole will make me better… he always does.  
PROO: Yeah, make you better 'all night long' eh Leo?  
LEO: Um, uh… no… I… SHUT UP PROO!  
  
HE ORBS OFF AND PAIGE GRABS PROO AND PIPER, AS SHE RUNS TO COVER.  
  
FEEBEE: Hey, guys! Where'd ya go? Why are you cowering in that convenient bomb shelter?  
PIPER: Oh no reason. You just stay there and work on your… tan… yes that'll do.  
FEEBEE: Ok. Damn! Its started to rain, oh look a random storm. Wow, the ground is cracking. Look! Something sent from a vengeful god.  
PROO: That's what you get for badmouthing SHAZZER DOHERTY.  
PIPER: Don't you mean Sharon Dorothy?  
PROO: Piper, we've been through this…  
  
A DISEMBODIED ARM, WITH LARGE MUSCLES AND LIBERAL SPRINKLINGS OF HAIR, CLAWS ITS WAY OUT OF THE GROUND AND FLIES TOWARDS FEEBEE. SHE SCREAMS AND TURNS TO RUN AWAY BUT TRIPS AND FALLS.  
  
FEEBEE: Ahhhhhhh! Help me! Help me!  
PIPER: Do you hear anything?  
PROO: No it must be your imagination.  
PAIGE: Stop stalling and deal already.  
PIPER: Geez, calm down Paige.  
  
SHE DEALS THE CARDS AND WITH A TRIUMPHANT 'HUZZAH' PROO WINS THE GAME OF "21". MEANWHILE FEEBEE IS CRAWLING THROUGH THE DIRT TRYING TO ESCAPE FROM THE ARM. RANDOM INSECTS AND ANIMALS FLY AND RUN INTO HER.  
  
FEEBEE: I know you can here me! Help! Oh help me!  
  
SHE CRAWLS INTO A DRIFTNET AND STRUGGLES TO FREE HERSELF, THE ARM SIGHS…SOMEHOW… AND TAPS ITS FINGER ON THE GROUND IMPATIENTLY.  
  
FEEBEE: Aha! If you don't leave me alone I will premonition you to death!  
  
THE ARM LAUGHS… SOMEHOW… AND SWOOPS FORWARD, GRABBING HER BY THE HAIR.  
  
PROO: I think we should see if Feebee is ok.  
PAIGE: Why?  
PROO: I… don't know.  
PIPER: Well it's too late for her anyway, that arm got her and has already dragged her away.  
PROO: Sushi anyone?  
PAIGE: Ok then, I'll have -insert name of sushi here-   
PROO: Well, we'll have to go down to the sea to catch it; I haven't got any on me.  
PIPER: Then why did you offer?  
PROO: I like to be a good hostess.  
PROO: To the seaside!  
  
CUT TO BBQ: COLE AND MEAGS ARE CLEANING UP  
  
MEAGS: That was the best BBQ I ever had.  
COLE: Well I've had a lot of practice.  
MEAGS: Oh it shows.  
LEO: Hello, do you remember me?  
MEAGS: No, I can't say I do. But your face does look familiar.  
  
SHE HOLDS UP AN APPLE JUICE CARTON AND SMILES.  
  
MEAGS: Yes that's it. Well I have to be going, bye bitches.  
  
SHE JUMPS ONTO A RANDOM HORSE AND GALLOPS AWAY. COLE WIPES A TEAR FROM HIS EYE AND LEO MOVES TO COMFORT HIM.  
  
LEO: You wanna make out now?  
COLE: Sure, there's a comfortable bush over there. We can go and do s…WOAH!  
  
AN ARM DRAGGING A LESBIUM FLIES PAST. IT KNOCKS THEM BOTH OVER.  
  
LEO: What the hell was that?  
COLE: I don't know but we should sure as hell find out.  
  
THEY BOTH SHIMMER OUT.   
  
CUT TO: SEASIDE. PAIGE AND PROO AND PIPER ORB IN AT THE SAME TIME AS LEO AND COLE. THEY STARE WARILY AT EACH OTHER.  
  
LEO: What are you doing here?  
PROO: We came for the sushi.  
COLE: Oh yeah?  
PIPER: Yeah.  
LEO: Guess why we came here.  
PAIGE: Um, you got hit by a flying arm dragging a lesbium when you were making out and decided to find out what the hell happened.  
COLE: Lucky guess.  
PIPER: Oh my god! Look!  
  
THE ARM SOARS INTO THE AIR ABOVE THEM AND CATAPULTS FEEBEE INTO THE CRYSTAL CLEAR SEA. THE SPECTATORS ON THE BEACH ALL GASP AND STARE WORDLESSLY AT THE FROTHY WATER. SUDDENLY A TAIL APPEARS, FOLLOWED BY A SCANTILY CLAD LESBIUM.  
  
FEEBEE: Click click click click click click CLICK!  
  
SHE DOES SOME DOLPHIN NOISES AND SWIMS AWAY. PIPER GETS A DETERMINED LOOK ON HER FACE AND PUNCHES COLE.  
  
PIPER: Paige, go get my net. I've got a fish to catch.  
  
  
COLE: Did you have to hit me so hard? It really really hurt.  
  
  
PIPER: Yes.  
  
  
OOOoooooOOOOOoooo! Feebee a mermaid? Who'd a thunk it…  
Praise be to Kit-the-kat for the arm, go read her story you ungrateful ingra…I mean loyal reviewers. 


	10. Piper catches her mermaid, Cole gets exc...

THEY ARE NOW SAILING IN THE BOAT, AND ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SEA.  
  
PIPER: Ahh! Smell the air. This brings back the memories.  
PROO: Memories? What the Paige are you talking about? You've never been on a boat before.  
PIPER: Um… ahh. Fresh salty air.  
PROO: Yeah… Sure…  
  
PIPER COUGHS AND MOVES AWAY FROM PROO, WHO SCAMPERS UP THE RIGGING.  
  
PROO: Thar she blows! We have a lesbium at four o'clock!  
  
PIPER LOOKS AT HER WATCH AND THEN AT PROO AND THEN BACK TO HER WATCH.  
  
PIPER: Four o'clock? What are you talking about? Its one thirty pm.  
PROO: No, four o'clock four o'clock!  
  
PIPER LIFTS HER HAND TO BLOW PROO OUT OF THE RIGGING BUT PAIGE STOPS HER AND EXPLAINS.  
  
PIPER: Oh! Four o'clock!  
PROO: No shit…  
  
PIPER TURNS AROUND AND SEES FEEBEE SPLASHING AROUND BEHIND HER.  
  
PIPER: My net! Quick!  
PAIGE: Are you sure about this Piper? Wouldn't it be nicer, for her and for us, to let her be free and swim around in her natural habitat?  
PIPER: Maybe… but I really like fishing. Really, really like it. A lot.  
  
SHE RUNS TO THE SIDE OF THE BOAT AND SWIPES THE NET AT FEEBEE. FEEBEE CHITTERS AND SPLASHES AWAY.  
  
PIPER: Damn it! Paige, get my harpoon!  
PAIGE: Are you sure abo…?  
PIPER: I said harpoon.  
  
PIPER RAISES HER FIST THREATENINGLY AND PAIGE SCAMPERS OFF TO GET THE HARPOON. SHE SCAMPERS BACK AND PIPER DUSTS IT OFF.  
  
PIPER: Oh I missed you, how I missed you.  
PAIGE: I was only gone for a few seconds Piper, but its nice to know you care so much.  
PIPER: Not you dumbass! I was talking to the harpoon.  
  
SHE KISSES IT AND THEN AIMS IT AT FEEBEE.  
  
PIPER: Make me proud, sweet harpoon of death, make me proud.  
PROO: Am I the only one thinking she is a 'leetle' to attached to that thing?  
PIPER: Keep it down in the back! I'm trying to bag me a mermaid!  
PAIGE: Well at least when this is over we can go back to The Manor.  
PROO: No we can't. Remember the whole countryside trip? We still haven't been there yet.  
PIPER: I said quiet!  
  
SHE THROWS THE HARPOON AT PHOEBE. IT HITS HER IN THE 'PHOEBUT' AND PIPER WOOHPS.  
  
PIPER: Woohp! I got me a mermaid! It's a scrawny one though…  
PROO: Ugh, good. Now we can go to the countryside.  
  
SHE TK'S PHOEBE THE MERMAID ONTO THE DECK AND STARTS TO KICK HER.  
  
PIPER: Hands off my mermaid. We can sell her tail skin on the blackmarket. Paige, call for it.  
PAIGE: Tail skin! Ew! She is nekkid underneath that.  
  
THEY ALL AVERT THEIR EYES, APART FROM COLE… WHO LOOKS ON IN PERVERTED GLEE.  
  
COLE: Mmm. Fishy.  
PROO: Ew! For AP's sake! This has a general rating, children are reading this.  
PIPER: You sicken me, but if I didn't think that was so goddamn funny I'd vanquish your perverted ass.  
PAIGE: You go girl!  
PIPER: I'm no girl, I'm a woman!  
LEO: I can vouch for that. Piper is the kind of woman who makes a man out of you.  
  
PIPER SNORTS AND BLOWS UP THE DECK UNDER LEO. HE ORBS INTO COLE'S ARMS.  
  
PIPER: Looks like I failed in your case, even Proo is more of a man that you!  
PROO: If that weren't so true I'd hit you.  
PHOEBE: She's a man baby, a man!  
  
THEY ALL GIVE HER A SCORNFUL LOOK.  
  
PROO: You can shut up, fish girl.  
PIPER: And put some clothes on. I'm tired of seeing just how pleased to see you Cole is.  
LEO: I'm not…  
PHOEBE: I miss the sea, let me go back. I belong there!  
PAIGE: No, actually you belong over there.  
  
SHE POINTS AT A CAGE THAT IS HANGING OVER A PIT FULL OF… BUNNETS. DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT, I JUST THINK "BUNNET " IS A STRANGE WORD… ANYWAYS.  
  
PHOEBE: Aiee! Not a pit full of Bunnets! Bunnets being my one true fear!  
PROO: What the Paige is a bunnet?  
PAIGE: For fecks sake, stop using my name as a bad word. Its hurtful.  
PIPER: Yeah, well so is this.  
  
PIPER PUNCHES PHOEBE ROUND THE HEAD.  
  
PHOEBE: That IS hurtful!  
PIPER: I did say it would be. Don't say I didn't, just look up a few lines.  
PAIGE: A few lines? What the Paige… damn, I mean, what the frell does that mean?  
PROO: It means 'oh-my-god-look-its-a-huge-storm-that-might-hit-us-and-sweep-us-away-somewhere-else-so-we-can-have-more-madcap-adventures!'  
PIPER: No, it doesn't mean that at all. Don't put words in my mouth bitch.  
  
ALL OF A SUDDEN A HUGE STORM THAT MIGHT HIT THEM AND SWEEP THEM AWAY TO SOMEWHERE ELSE THEY COULD HAVE MORE MADCAP ADVENTURES, DID HIT THEM AND SWEEP THEM AWAY TO SOMEWHERE THAT THEY WOULD HAVE MORE MADCAP ADVENTURES.  
  
PIPER: Well that told me…  
  
  
  
A/n, well. That was worse than usual. It will be better next chapter… or else… Review me if only to bitch.  
  
A/n, kt gave me the word "bunnet"… blame her, I certainly do. 


	11. Dawson's Creek this ain't

THE LARGE STORM FLOWS ACROSS THE SEA AND PULLS TO A STOP ON A LARGE MOUNTAIN. THERE IS A "DING DING" NOISE AND SIX FIGURES FALL OUT OF THE CLOUDS AND ONTO THE GROUND. THE STORM REVS ITS... ENGINES... AND DRIVES OFF.  
  
PRUE: Was it just me or did that storm act like a bus?  
FEEBEE: Nope, I heard the bus noises and the driver was rude.  
PRUE: There was a driver?  
FEEBEE: Duh! You can't a bus without a driver... unless it was magic!  
  
HER BEADY LITTLE EYES LIGHT UP AND SHE CLAPS HER HANDS TOGETHER.  
  
PIPER: Oh crap. Feebee has gone into happy five year old mode.  
PAIGE: When wasn't she in it?  
PRUE: Good point young Paige. Good point.  
  
PAIGE LOOKS TAKEN BACK BUT SMILES AT PRUE'S COMMENT. PIPER SLAPS FEEBEE AND STARES AT THE COLD MOUNTAINS THAT SURROUNDED THEM.  
  
PIPER: Oh well this is just great. Trapped up a creek without a paddle.  
FEEBEE: We're in a creek? COOL! Maybe Dawson will be here?!  
  
SHE LOOKS AROUND WITH AN ESTATIC, NO NOT SPASTIC... ALTHOUGH THAT WORD WOULDN'T BE FAR AMIS, LOOK ON HER FACE. SHE STARTS TO SHOUT.  
  
FEEBEE: DAWSON! DAAAAAAAAWSONNNNNNNNNNNN! Where are YOOOOOOOOOUUUUUU?  
  
THERE IS A SUDDEN RUMBLING IN THE DISTANCE WHICH STEADILY GROWS LOUDER AND LOUDER. PAIGE LOOKS BEHIND THEM AND SCREECHES.  
  
PAIGE: OMIGAWD! Look! She triggered an avalanche with her shouting.   
FEEBEE: Ooo! An avalanche, does that taste like blamanche?  
  
PAIGE IGNORES HER AND ORBS OUT WITH PRUE AND PIPER. LEO AND COLE SUDDENLY ORB OUT AND PHOEBE IS LEFT ALL ALONE. SHE TURNS AROUND AND SEES AVALANCHE FLOWING TOWARDS HER.  
  
FEEBEE: Ooo! Snow! I can make a snow-angel! Maybe Dawson can help!  
  
SHE WAITS FOR THE SNOW TO COME WITHIN A METRE OF HER AND THEN THROWS HERSELF INTO IT. SHE LANDS ON HER BACK AND WAVES HER ARMS AND LEGS AROUND, MAKING WOOHPING NOISES AND LAUGHING. THE AVALANCHE PASSES AND PAIGE ORBS THEM BACK IN. THEY ALL STARE AFTER THE TAIL OF THE AVALANCHE AND TRY TO SEE WHERE FEEBEE WENT.  
  
PAIGE: Look, its all going over the edge of the cliff. I suppose Feebee went down there as well.  
PIPER: Oh well. Better luck next sister I guess.  
  
SHE GIVES PAIGE A THREATENING LOOK AND THEN HASTILY AVERTS HER GAZE. PAIGE SHUDDERS SLIGHTLY AND WRAPS HER ARMS AROUND HERSELF.  
  
PRUE: Its like she hasn't actually gone. I swear I can still hear her voice.  
PAIGE: You can here her voice! Listen!  
  
THE SILENCE OF THE MOUNTAINS IS BROKEN BY MANICAL LAUGHTER AND THE SOUND OF SOMEONE SCREAMING "DAWWWWWSONNNNNNN!". THE SOUND OF ANOTHER AVALANCHE IS HEARD AND THE STRANGE VOICE GETS CLOSER.  
  
PIPER: Ok, this is freakin me out. Paige, orb me back to The Manor. Now.  
PAIGE: Wait a minute, Piper. Look!  
  
SHE POINTS TO THE EDGE OF THE CLIFF. A SHORT WOMAN WITH A BAD HAIRSTYLE AND SCANTY CLOTHES, IS RIDING THE TOP OF THE AVALANCHE BACK UP THE MOUNTAIN. SHE IS HOLDING SOMETHING... OR SOMEONE, IN HER HAND.  
  
FEEBEE: Piper! Look, I found Dawson!  
DAWSON: Oh for the love of Joey let me go.  
FEEBEE: Ok!   
  
SHE DROPS HIM AND THEN JUMPS OFF THE AVALANCHE, WHICH WHIMPERS AND THEN CRAWLS BACK OVER THE EDGE OF THE CLIFF.  
  
PRUE: Don't you ever die?  
FEEBEE: I find it adds more comical value if I come close to the brink of death and/or get into potentially life threatening situations and then come back completly unharmed.  
  
THERE IS AN UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE AS EVEYRONE PONDERS FEEBEE'S SURPRISINGLY INTELLIGENT WORDS. PIPER COUGHS AND STARES AT HER FEET.  
  
PIPER: So... How about them 'niners?  
  
THERE IS ANOTHER UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE. THIS TIME AN ALYSSA MILANO SONG IS HEARD FROM THE DISTANCE. PRUE SHUDDERS AND STARES AT FEEBEE WITH A SUSPICOUS LOOK IN HER EYE.  
  
PRUE: What is that white stuff round your mouth, Feebee?  
FEEBEE: Oh Prue, don't be a sicko. Its snow. I wanted to see if the avalanche actually did taste of blamanche.  
PAIGE: Curse my morbid curiosity but did it? Taste of blamanche, that is.  
FEEBEE: I don't know. I've never actually tasted blamanche.  
PIPER: Then why did you... No. Just walk away, Piper. Think happy thoughts.  
  
SHE SMILES AND THINKS OF HER TRUCK FULL OF MOTHERS. FEEBEE SUDDENLY SQUEALS AND RUNS TOWARDS A PATCH OF GRASS. THERE IS A MOUNTAIN GOAT STANDING THERE, MEEKLY NIBBLING THE GRASS. IT SEES FEEBEE AND SIGHS, MOVING TO THE OTHER END OF THE GRASS, DESPERATELY PRETENDING IT HASN'T SEEN HER.  
  
FEEBEE: OOOOO! Little cute goaty-kins! Come to mommy!  
PAIGE: Why isn't it running? I know I would be.  
PIPER: Its only a goat, it probably isn't very clever.  
  
THE GOAT LOOKS UP AND GLARES AT PIPER. SHE WHIMPERS AND STEPS BEHIND PRUE, COWERING SLIGHTLY.  
  
FEEBEE: Come on Mr.Goat! Mommys got a present for you.  
  
THE GOAT SIGHS AGAIN AND QUICKLY SCAMPERS OVER TO THE EDGE OF THE CLIFF. FEEBEE GIGGLES AND RUNS AFTER IT. AT THE LAST SECOND THE GOAT STEPS ASIDE AND FEEBEE PLUMMETS OVER THE EDGE OF THE CLIFF. THE GOAT "BAAS" AND THEN SCAMPERS OFF.   
  
PRUE: Well.  
PAIGE: Uh-huh. (JADE QUOTE!!!!!)  
PIPER: Do you think we should go and find her?  
PRUE: Why? We all know she'll turn up eventually.  
PAIGE: Thats right, we might as well go and find Leo and Cole.  
PIPER: Goddamn my husband. He's always disapearing with Cole. Where the Dickens is he?  
  
SUDDENLY THEY ALL WINCE AND STARE UPWARDS. LEO AND COLE ARE STANDING ON A SMALL OUTCROPPING OF ROCK, DRESSED UP IN SWISS YODELLING OUTFITS. IF THAT WASN'T BAD ENOUGH THEY WERE WEARING THE FEMALE OUTFITS.  
  
LEO: Yodelllllll-odelllll-eh-heeeeeeeeee-ooooooooooo.  
COLE: Yodelllllll-udelllllllllllllll-udeeeelllllllll-iieeeeeeee-heee-hoooooo.  
PIPER: Oh for AP's sake.   
PRUE: Ew! Their skirts blow up when the wind blows.  
PAIGE: I didn't know they were scottish.  
PIPER: They're not, they just like to go commando.  
  
ALL THREE SHUDDER AS LEO AND COLE CONTINUE YODELLING. THEY TURN AROUND AND HEAR A CLIP CLOPPING ECHOING IN THE MOUNTAIN. A SMALL GOAT APPEARS OVER THE EDGE OF A CLIFF... WITH FEEBEE ON ITS BACK.  
  
FEEBEE: Yee-haa! Ride 'em cowboy!  
PIPER: What is it with her and riding stuff?  
PAIGE: Since Cole found Leo, she hasn't had anything to ride... so she makes do with what she's got. Whoever or whatever that is.  
PRUE: Ew.  
PIPER: Indeed.  
FEEBEE: Hey guys! Look what I got! Its a goat!  
PIPER: No shit.  
  
FEEBEE TRIES TO JUMP OFF THE GOAT BUT TRIPS AND LANDS ON THE GROUND. THE GOAT STARTS TO CHEW HER HAIR. FEEBEE SHOES IT OFF AND GETS UP.  
  
PRUE: Wow! Did you change your hair Feebee?  
PAIGE: For once it looks really good.  
  
PIPER BURSTS OUT LAUGHING AND POINTS AT FEEBEE.  
  
PIPER: Oh. My. God. Your hair looks better when a goat has chewed it than when you've had it 'styled'.  
FEEBEE: I dun good?  
  
FEEBEE LOOKS CONFUSED AND THEN SCREAMS.  
  
PAIGE: What is it?  
FEEBEE: I just remembered something.  
PRUE: What?  
  
FEEBEE LOOKS SAD.  
  
FEEBEE: I forgot.  
PIPER: Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts.  
  
PAIGE POINTS TO THE SKY AND SHIELDS HER EYES.  
  
PAIGE: There's another storm coming, we should take cover.  
PIPER: Where exactly? This place hasn't exactly got a motel anyplace close.  
PRUE: We could try that cave, smartass.  
PIPER: Don't sass me, bitch.  
PRUE: You bring it on, bizatch.  
  
PAIGE SIGHS AND ORBS THEM INTO A CONVENIENT CAVE. FEEBEE RUNS IN A CIRCLE FOR A WHILE AND THEN RUNS INSIDE. LEO AND COLE FOUND OUT WHAT HAPPENS TO CERTAIN PARTS IN THE COLD AND QUICKLY RAN INSIDE THE CAVE, SHRIEKING LIKE SCHOOLGIRLS.  
  
GOAT: Thanks god they've gone. Bloody tourists.  
  
A/N. Not sure if there is anyone to a/n in this. Um, Ooo! Read Steph's new story, the swan from hell. It rocks. And then go and read my other stories and then go and read Kit's and Kt's. Go on, I dares ya.  
  
A/N. I still dares ya. 


	12. We're going deeper underground, and some...

PAIGE SHINES HER FACE INTO THE DANK GLOOMINESS OF THE CAVE. PHOEBE SEES SOMETHING SHINY DOWN A TUNNEL AND RUNS OFF AFTER IT.  
  
FEEBEE: Shiny thing! I call it!  
PIPER: Lets hope something large and clawed finds her before she wanders back.  
PAIGE: Um, guys, look.  
  
SHE POINTS AT THE ENTRANCE OF THE CAVE, WHICH WAS NOW BLOCKED BY SNOW. PIPER SWEARS AND PUNCHES COLE TO THE GROUND. WITH A SAD SIGH SHE SITS ON HIM.  
  
PIPER: That sucks. We're trapped under some random mountains... and Feebee is here. We are trapped in a confined space with the dumbest thing since... well, Feebee.  
PRUE: It could be worse.  
PIPER: How?  
PRUE: Um... Belthazor could be here.  
PIPER: Ugh, Belthazor. Man, for a demon he sure sucks.  
LEO: He sure does...  
  
SAID LEO WITH A HAPPY SMILE ON HIS FACE. EVERYONE ELSE LOOKS DISGUSTED AND TURNS AWAY. THERE IS A SUDDEN SCREAM AND THE RUMBLING OF A ROCKSLIDE FROM FURTHER DOWN THE CAVE.  
  
FEEBEE: Aiiiiiieeeeeee!  
COLE: Feebee! I'm coming!  
LEO: Without me?  
  
COLE IGNORES LEO AND SHIMMERS OFF. THE REST OF THE GROUP PUSH LEO INTO A WALL AND WALK DOWN THE CAVE, OBVIOUSLY IN NO HURRY TO RESCUE FEEBEE.  
  
PAIGE: So...   
PIPER: Yeah.  
PRUE: Ho hum.  
  
PAIGE AND PIPER GIVE HER A WEIRD LOOK.  
  
PIPER: Ho hum? What the Paige does that mean?  
PAIGE: Piper! We talked about this.  
PRUE: Why not ho hum? You two were doing pointless filler words, why not me?  
PIPER: Because its just weird, that's why.  
PAIGE: Piper, answer me, it really hurts me feelings.  
PRUE: And saying "yeah" isn't? Especially when you weren't agreeing with anyone.  
PIPER: You wanna take this outside? Huh? Huh?  
PAIGE: I wish I were elsewhere!  
  
PAIGE SCREAMED ANGRILLY AND DISAPEARS IN A BLUE FLASH. THERE IS A STUNNED SILENCE FROM PRUE AND PIPER AS THEY LOOK AROUND FOR PAIGE.  
  
PIPER: Paaaige? Where'd she go?  
PRUE: Elsewhere apparently.  
PIPER: Don't you start with me.  
  
PRUE WALKS UP TO PIPER AND THROWS HER ARMS AROUND HER SISTERS NECK.   
  
PRUE: Oh, Piper! Lets not fight, I do so hate it when we fight.  
PIPER: Um... sure. Just out of curiosity... why are you speaking like that?  
PRUE: Speaking in what manner, sibling dearest?  
PIPER: Like... that.  
PRUE: I have no comprehension of your meaning, o' fruit of Patty's loins.  
PIPER: Ew! Don't talk about our mother's loins! That's... ew!  
  
SHE SHUDDERS AND RUNS OFF DOWN THE PASSAGE. PRUE KICKS LEO TO THE GROUND AND SITS ON HIM. WITH A SMUG GRIN SHE PULLS OUT HER TRUSTY "HOW TO TALK IN NEW AND INTERESTING WAYS" SELF-IMPROVEMENT BOOK AND TURNS TO THE NEXT CHAPTER.  
  
FEEBEE: Aiiiiiieeee!   
  
FEEBEE SCREAMED AGAIN, AS SHE SAT ON A BIG ROCK... WHICH WAS SLIDING AMONGST OTHER ROCKS... IN A ROCK SLIDE... INTO A DEEP UNDERGROUND CHASM... THAT WAS DARK... AND DEEP... AND... DARK... YEAH. COLE RUNS UP AND STANDS AT THE EDGE OF THE CHASM.  
  
COLE: FEEBEE!   
FEEBEE: COLE!  
COLE: FEEBEE!  
FEEBEE: COLE!  
COLE: FEEBEE!  
FEEBEE: COLE!  
  
PIPER RUNS UP AND PUNCHES COLE HARD ROUND IN THE JAW. HE IS KNOCKED BACKWARDS AND ITS SWALLOWED UP INTO THE ROCK SLIDE.  
  
PIPER: Bam!  
FEEBEE: PIPER! Save me!  
PIPER: Let me just check my... date planner.  
  
SHE REACHES INTO HER POCKET AND PULLS OUT AN OLD TISSUE. SHE SMOOTHES IT OUT AND MAKES BUSY NOISES, HOPING FEEBEE WON'T REALISE ITS NOT ACTUALLY A DATE PLANNER.  
  
FEEBEE: Well? Can you save me? I am getting pretty far down this chasm, which is dark and deep and... dark.  
PIPER: Um, still checking. Busy busy busy... Well... um. It looks like I'm not free till next week. Sorry.  
FEEBEE: PIPERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!  
  
THE ROCKSLIDE CARRIES FEEBEE DOWN THE CHASM AND HER HIGH PITCHED VOICE ECHOES UP. PIPER LOOKS DOWN AND HOLDS HER HAND UP TO HER FACE. YOU KNOW, IN THAT PHONE GESTURE? YEAH..?  
  
PIPER: Lets do lunch sometime. I wonder where Cole went? Oh well.  
  
SHE SWINGS HER ARMS ABOUT AND LOOKS AROUND, WHISTLING A MERRY TUNE TO HERSELF. MEANWHILE, IN A PART OF THE CAVE NOT SO FAR AWAY:  
  
PAIGE: I am elsewhere. Where abouts is elsewhere? I wish I wasn't elsewhere!  
  
SHE RANDOMLY DISAPEARS AND LANDS NEXT TO PIPER. PIPER STOPS WHISTLING AND STARES AT PAIGE.  
  
PIPER: How was elsewhere?  
PAIGE: It was... different.  
PIPER: Cool.  
PAIGE: Yuh.  
PIPER: So... seen Feebee lately?  
PAIGE: I think I saw her going past me on a pile of rocks.  
PIPER: Yeah, that sounds like the kind of thing Feebee would do.  
  
PRUE RANDOMLY APPEARS NEXT TO THEM.  
  
PRUE: Yo yo yo Mutha truckers! Wassup?  
PIPER: Excuse me?  
PRUE: God-dayum! I iz tryin to rap wit ma homies and dey ain't understandin.  
PAIGE: Um... Yes, that's nice dear.  
  
SHE SHRUGS AND LOOKS AT PIPER, WHO IS BACKING AWAY FROM PRUE.  
  
PRUE: God-dayum! Ma bitches iz trippin wit me!  
PIPER: I. Uh. Um.  
PAIGE: Let me try something with her.   
  
SHE TURNS TO PRUE AND BEGINS TO SPEAK LOUDLY AND CLEARLY.  
  
PAIGE: H-E-L-L-O P-R-U-E. H-O-W A-R-E Y-O-U?  
PIPER: Oh shut up Paige. She isn't stupid or deaf.  
PAIGE: Then what?  
PIPER: She is possessed.   
  
PIPER PULLS SOME HOLY WATER AND A BIBLE OUT OF HER... HAIR, AND STARTS TO CHANT AND TIP HOLY WATER ONTO PRUE.  
  
PIPER: The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!  
PIPER: God-dayum! I'z gittin hit wit da holy wadder!  
PAIGE: Real good job your doing, Piper.  
PIPER: Screw you.  
  
LEO SUDDENLY ORBS IN LOOKING HOPEFUL. PIPER GLARES AT HIM AND RAISES HER FIST. WITH A WHIMPER LEO JUMPS DOWN THE CHASM.  
  
PRUE: Wassup wit dat?  
PIPER: Shut up. We have to go down the chasm.  
PAIGE: Why?  
PIPER: Everyone else has.  
PAIGE: Ok.  
  
THEY ALL HOLD HANDS AND WITH A DEEP BREATH JUMP DOWN THE DARK AND DEEP... AND DARK CHASM.  
  
PRUE: Wassup wit dis shittttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt!  
  
  
A/N. Wow. They are now going deeper and deeper into the bowels of the earth. Who would have guessed? Hmm? Hmm? Not me, thats for certain. As usual, reveiw 'n' shit.   
  
A/N. Oh, heres an idea. You tell me fun/kerazy/weird places you'd like them to go to in the reveiw. *god-dayum that was subtle* Its harder thinking of them than you'd imagine. 


	13. When She, um, They Were Evil, kind of

PAIGE, PRUE AND PIPER ARE STILL FALLING DOWN INTO THE CHASM.  
  
PIPER: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  
PAIGE: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  
PRUE: DAYUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUM!  
  
A FEW MINUTES PASS.  
  
PIPER: AHHHHHHH- Hey, wait a minute.   
PAIGE: AHHHHHHH- What? - AHHHHHHH!  
PIPER: How come we've been falling for so long?  
PAIGE: Um... it's a really deep hole?  
PIPER: Oh sure, play the logic card. Way to go Paige.  
PAIGE: What's with the 'tood', Piper?  
  
PIPER: SWISHES HERSELF OVER A FEW FEET FROM PAIGE AND POUTS.  
  
PIPER: I'm pissed off.  
PAIGE: With me?  
PIPER: Yes. And no. But mostly yes. This whole trip is annoying. I just want to go home. I miss the... clock.  
PAIGE: But I thought you enjoyed all of our wacky hi-jinks.  
PIPER: Well... no.   
PAIGE: Oh...  
  
PAIGE SUDDENLY HOLDS UP HER HAND AND SHOUTS:  
  
PAIGE: CLOCK!  
  
THE CLOCK ORBS IN A COUPLE OF METRES FROM PIPER. SHE GIVES PAIGE A GRATEFUL LOOK AND SWISHES OVER TO IT. UNFORTUNATELY IT DECIDES TO BLOW UP.  
  
CLOCK: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!  
PIPER: Whoa cra-  
  
IT EXPLODES INTO A SHOWER OF SPLINTERS, AND THE RESULTING BLAST SENT THE SISTERS CAREENING DOWN THE CHASM... WELL, MAKE THEM CAREEN EVEN FASTER... BECAUSE THEY WERE ALREADY CAREENING DOWN IT... YUH.  
  
MEANWHILE, AT THE BOTTOM OF THE CHASM:  
  
FEEBEE: Anyways, so I went into Wal*Mart and I told them that if they didn't have my size then they could go fuc- hey! Are you even listening to me?  
LEO: Shut up Feebee, you already told me this story. Twice.   
FEEBEE: Yeah, but. It gets better with each telling.  
LEO: No it doesn't. Now will you please get this pile of rocks off me? The only reason I called you over was so you could move the rocks.   
  
HE WAVES ONE PUDGY HAND TOWARDS THE PILE OF ROCKS THAT ARE COVERING HIS BODY. SUDDENLY HE SHIFTS AND HIS EYES WIDEN.  
  
LEO: And there's something really hard sticking in my ass... but I kinda like it.  
  
FEEBEE: And I only came over so I could tell you my Wal*Mart story. Anyway, so then I says to them-  
  
SHE SUDDENLY STOPS AND LOOKS TO HER LEFT. THERE ARE TWO PEOPLE SITTING AT A CHESSBOARD, BOTH INTENTLY WATCHING HER AND LEO.  
  
FEEBEE: O-MI-GAWD. Leo! Look! There's two strangers staring at us. And they seem to be performing some satanic ritual. Look! It's VOODOO! They're making the little figures of people move around, that means they're controlling them! O-MI-GAWD, Piper and Paige and that other girl will be so proud of me when I tell them I found some demons.  
  
SHE MAKES SOME HAPPY GIBBERING SOUNDS AND CLAPS HER HANDS TOGETHER WITH SIMPLE MINDED GLEE. LEO SUDDENLY STARTS TO SOB AND THEN FRANTICALLY TRIES TO CHEW OFF HIS UPPER TORSO SO HE CAN BE FREE OF THE LESBIUM MENACE.  
  
LEO: Its chess, you moron. Freakin chess. Hmm, that's strange; I seem to taste like apples... Wait a cotton-picking minute! I can orb!  
  
HE SPITS OUT A LUMP OF HIS APPLE FLAVOURED SKIN AND ORBS OFF. FEEBEE STARES AT THE COUPLE AT THE CHESSBOARD AND THEN SLOWLY GETS TO HER FEET.  
  
FEEBEE: Hey. You look familiar.  
  
SHE SAYS AS SHE POINTS TO THE WOMAN, WHO SLOWLY PUTS DOWN HER CHESS PIECE AND BACKS AWAY FROM THE BOARD.  
  
WOMAN: No I don't.  
FEEBEE: Oh, sorry. My mistake.  
  
SHE SITS BACK DOWN AND BEGINS TO PLAY IN THE RUBBLE FROM THE ROCKSLIDE. SUDDENLY SHE SQUEALS AND BEGINS TO DIG FASTER.  
  
FEEBEE: I found something! I found something in the dirt!  
  
SHE PULLS A LARGE ROCK OFF THE GROUND AND THROWS IT OVER HER SHOULDER. IT BOUNCES OFF A WALL AND HITS THE MAN NEXT TO THE CHESSBOARD IN THE HEAD.   
  
MAN: Ugh... *BUMP*  
  
HE GOES UNCONSCIOUS AND FALLS OFF HIS CHAIR. THE WOMAN STARES AT HIM WITH A LOOK OF SHOCK ON HER FACE AND THEN LOOKS BACK TO FEEBEE.  
  
FEEBEE: O-MI-GAWD! It's COLE!  
  
SHE GETS HOLD OF COLE'S DIRT SMATTERED SHIRT AND DRAGS HIM OUT OF THE GROUND. HE LIES CHOKING ON THE GROUND FOR A WHILE BEFORE SHIMMERING OFF.  
  
FEEBEE: Cole went bye bye!  
  
SHE HAPPILY TOLD THE WOMAN AND SKIPPED OVER TO THE CHESS BOARD. FEEBEE DARTED OUT HER HAND AND BEGAN TO RANDOMLY MOVE THE PIECES ABOUT THE BOARD.  
  
FEEBEE: Gee up Mr. Horseman! Quick! Go and save the castles before this bit with the funny shape on the top runs over and- too late!  
  
SHE LAUGHS INANELY AND SMASHES A CASTLE PIECE WITH A BISHOP. THE WOMAN GASPS IN SHOCK AND WINCES AS HER BELOVED GAME GETS RUINED.  
  
WOMAN: Do you know how long we had been playing that for? I was *so* close to check mating him.  
FEEBEE: O! A guessing game! Was it... three minutes?  
WOMAN: No.  
FEEBEE: Thirty-three and a third days?  
  
THE WOMAN IS ABOUT TO GIVE FEEBEE A BACKHANDED SLAP WHEN A SHOWER OF SPLINTERS AND CHUNKS OF WOOD FALL DOWN FROM A HOLE IN THE CEILING.  
  
PIPER: SOMEONE FAT GET IN MY WAY!  
PAIGE: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!  
PROO: This place seems too familiar to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!  
  
PIPER LANDS ON TOP OF FEEBEE, PRUE LANDS ON TOP OF THE UNCONSCIOUS MAN AND PAIGE LANDS SMACK-BANG ON TOP OF THE CHESSBOARD. IT CREAKS AND THEN MYSTERIOUSLY BLOWS UP... ITS STILL MOVING SPLINTERS SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUSTING TILL THERE WAS NAUGHT LEFT BUT A SOLITARY PAWN.  
  
FEEBEE: Hi Piper! You wanna play?  
PIPER: Ew! I'm *on* Feebee!  
  
SHE JUMPS OFF OF FEEBEE AND LANDS ON THE FLOOR... HER LEFT FOOT CRUSHING THE LONELY PAWN BENEATH ITS CLASSY YET FUNCTIONALLY SOLE. PAIGE GROANS SLIGHTLY AND HEAVES HERSELF OFF THE FLOOR  
  
WOMAN: You... broke... the... SACRED CHESS BOARD!  
PRUE: OOO, I landed on a cute guy!  
MAN: Ugh... hello there.  
  
HE SHUFFLES ON THE GROUND SO THAT PRUE IS NOW SITTING ASTRIDE HIS CHEST.  
  
WOMAN: LIERRE! Get that whores ass out of your face.  
PRUE: Whore? Who are you calling a whore?  
WOMAN: You!  
PRUE: Oh I am *so* going to take you down.  
FEEBEE: O-MI-GAWD!  
PAIGE: What?  
FEEBEE: They are the same person! Look! Its two Prue's.  
PIPER: Oh shut up you stupid little-  
PAIGE: No, wait, Piper. She's right. They are the same person!  
PIPER: O-MI-GAWD, they *are* the same person... except one of the Prues seems to be The Source.  
FEEBEE: Of all evil?  
PIPER: No, of all goodness and light, you ass...  
  
FEEBEE SMILES AND CLAPS HER HANDS AT THE THOUGHT OF MEETING SUCH A NICE PERSON... THE SARCASM IS COMPLETELY LOST ON HER.  
  
PRUE: Take me down? You wish. Lierre! Don't look at that!  
PRUE: OOO, so his name is Lierre is it? Hey Lierre, baby, take a look at this!  
  
SHE LIFTS UP HER TOP AND FLASHES... HER NOVELTY "I SURVIVED LESBANIA AND ALL I GOT WAS THE DUMB T-SHIRT" T-SHIRT AT LIERRE. HE FLUSHES AND FANS HIS CHEEKS... HIS FACIAL CHEEKS YOU DIRTY LITTLE SMUT-FIEND.  
  
PRUE: OH that's it. Come on, bitch, we're gonna take this outside.  
PIPER: How can you take it outside? You do realise that we're in a cave goodness knows how many miles under the ground?  
PRUE: Wow, you *are* observant.  
  
SHE GLARES AT PIPER AND HOLDS BOTH HANDS UP TOWARDS THE WALL. SUDDENLY IT BEGINS TO SHAKE AND CRACK. A COUPLE OF SECONDS LATE IT EXPLODES OUTWARDS, CAUSING BRIGHT SUNLIGHT TO FLOOD THROUGH THE GAP.  
  
PIPER: Well... that showed me. Hey, Lierre.  
LIERRE: What?  
PIPER: What's with evil and the colour black?  
  
THERE'S AN UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE AS LIERRE STRUGGLES TO FIND AN ANSWER. PAIGE WHISTLES SLIGHTLY AND WINCES AT THE AWKWARDNESS.  
  
PAIGE: So... how 'bout them niners?  
  
THE AWKWARD SILENCES PREVAILS AS WE LEAVE OUR BAND OF MISMATCHED TRAVELLERS ONCE AGAIN...  
  
TUNE IN NEXT TIME TO SEE HOW THE PRUE.VS.PRUE FIGHT TURNS OUT... AND TO SEE IF FEEBEE EVER GETS TO FINISH HER WAL*MART STORY.  
  
A/n Ok, well to understand the whole other Prue and Lierre thing you need to read When She Was Evil (1 and 2) by miss Stephanie18. Go on, read it. I dares ya. 


	14. Smack doooooooooooooooooooooooooooooown ...

A/n I know its been a hella long time since I've updated anything, but it wasn't my fault! Well it was kind of... but more whore AOL's. Bitch AOL. Anyways, I am back and will start writing again. Woo! Well... woo I hope.  
  
* * *  
  
LAST TIME ON CHARMED DOES THE COUNRYSIDE:  
  
FEEBEE: Anyways, so I went into Wal*Mart and I told them that if they didn't have my size then they could go fuc- hey! Are you even listening to me?  
LEO: Shut up Feebee, you already told me this story. Twice.   
FEEBEE: Yeah, but. It gets better with each telling.  
  
FEEBEE: O-MI-GAWD. Leo! Look! There's two strangers staring at us. And they seem to be performing some satanic ritual. Look! It's VOODOO! They're making the little figures of people move around, that means they're controlling them! O-MI-GAWD, Piper and Paige and that other girl will be so proud of me when I tell them I found some demons.  
  
PIPER: SOMEONE FAT GET IN MY WAY!  
PAIGE: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!  
PROO: This place seems too familiar to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!  
  
PRUE: Take me down? You wish. Lierre! Don't look at that!  
PROO: OOO, so his name is Lierre is it? Hey Lierre, baby, take a look at this!  
SHE LIFTS UP HER TOP AND FLASHES... HER NOVELTY "I SURVIVED LESBANIA AND ALL I GOT WAS THE DUMB T-SHIRT" T-SHIRT AT LIERRE. HE FLUSHES AND FANS HIS CHEEKS... HIS FACIAL CHEEKS YOU DIRTY LITTLE SMUT-FIEND.  
PRUE: OH that's it. Come on, bitch, we're gonna take this outside.  
  
PIPER: Well... that showed me. Hey, Lierre.  
LIERRE: What?  
PIPER: What's with evil and the colour black?  
  
* * *  
  
AND NOW ON CHARMED DOES THE COUNTRYSIDE...  
FEEBEE: So, I went into the bargain rail at Wal*Mart, and I says to the sales-people... what did I say again?  
EVERYONE: I told them that if they didn't have my size then they could go fuc-  
FEEBEE: Oh yeah! So I says to them; I told them that if they didn't have my size then they could go fuc-  
PIPER: Shut up shut up shut up!  
  
FEEBEE'S LOWER LIP TREMBLES AS SHE TRIES TRIES TO HOLD BACK TEARS. AFTER A FEW SECONDS SHE MUMBLES:  
  
FEEBEE: If you didn't want to hear it you could have just asked...  
PRUE: We did ask!   
PROO: About fifty times!  
PRUE: No, actually fifty one.  
PROO: Actually you are wrong.  
PRUE: What would you know anyway, slut!  
PROO: Lets do this thang!  
  
PROO AND... PRUE JUMP AT EACH OTHER AND START PUMELLING EACH OTHER. THEY TURN INTO A COMICAL BALL OF DUST AND OVERBLOWN SOUND EFFECTS THAT ROLLS OUT OF THE HOLE IN THE CAVE THAT PRUE CREATED LAST EPISODE.  
  
PAIGE LAUGHS AND SHAKES HER HEAD.  
  
PAIGE: Well they'll sleep tonight.  
PIPER: Hmm, sleep. Have we actually slept since we started this trip to the Countryside?  
PAIGE: Um... no.  
PIPER: Oh, well, just checking.  
  
PAIGE GIVES HER A STRANGE LOOK AND EDGES SLIGHTLY TOWARDS THE HOLE IN THE CAVE, HER FOOT CRUNCHING ON A THE REMENANTS OF A CHESS PIECE. SHE WINCES SLIGHTLY AND TRIES TO AVOID LIERRE'S ANGRY GLARE.  
  
PAIGE: Let's just go outside and see what they're doing.  
PIPER: What about Feebee?  
  
PAIGE GESTURES TO FEEBEE, WHO IS SITTING ON THE ROCKPILE AGAIN, APPARENTLY TELLING HER WAL*MART STORY TO A PIECE OF ROCK SHAPED LIKE A FACE.  
  
PAIGE: She seems happy enough. Let's just leave her here to play. Maybe we'll get lucky and there'll be another rockslide in while we're out.  
PIPER: Here's hoping!  
  
SHE LINKS ARMS WITH PAIGE AND THEY BOTH WALK OUT OF THE HOLE AFTER THE PRUE AND PROO... PROES? WHO KNOWS? LIERRE AND LEO ARE LEFT ALONE IN THE RUINED CAVE. THEY STAND AWKWARDLY AND WHISTLE, BOTH TRYING TO ACT MACHO.  
  
LEO: So... you ever kissed a guy?  
  
THE AWKWARDNESS MULTIPLIES TENFOLD AND LIERRE DESPERATELY LOOKS AROUND THE ROOM FOR SOMEONE ELSE TO TALK TO. HIS EYES LAND ON PHOEBE, WHO IS STILL TALKING TO THE ROCK.  
  
FEEBEE: Yes, I agree, the ecconomy is important. Without it I couldn't buy stuff. Like my new clothes from Wal*Mart. Talking of Wal*Mart, did I ever tell you my story?  
  
THE ROCK BEGINS TO WEEP AND FRANTICALLY... RUNS AWAY. NOT SURE HOW IT DID BUT IT DID. FEEBEE SIGHS AND LOOKS AT LIERRE.  
  
FEEBEE: Did I tell you my story?  
LEO: Because, you know, it isn't disgusting like you'd think. Especially not with Cole.  
  
HE SMILES AND LICKS HIS LIPS. LIERRE GULPS NERVOUSLY AND EDGES TOWARDS THE HOLE.  
  
FEEBEE: So I was in Wal*Mart and the size wasn't right, so I says to them-  
LEO: I've never kissed a clean-shaven guy before... have you?  
  
LEO BATS HIS EYE-LASHES AND LICKS HIS LIPS AGAIN. LIERRE SCREAMS GIRLISHLY AND SHIMMERS AWAY.  
  
PRUE AND PROO HAVE ROLLED INTO A CONVENIENT WRESTLING RING AND SHOUTING RANDOM INSULTS AT EACH FROM OPPOSITE SIDES.  
  
PRUE: Yo' mama is so fat her ass needs its own zipcode!  
PROO: Well yo' mama is so fat she... is really fat!  
PRUE: Don't you talk about my mama! Thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!  
  
PRUE SCREAMS AND LAUNCHES HERSELF INTO THE AIR. PROO ALSO JUMPS, THEY FLY TOWARDS EACH OTHER, GETTING SLOWER AND SLOWER WITH EACH SECOND.  
  
PAIGE: Whats going on?  
PIPER: Some bigshot wanted to do a Matrix effect.  
PAIGE: Tut tut. That is so last centuary.  
PIPER: But it does give me time to get a snack. HEY! HOTDOG! DOWN HERE!  
  
SHE HOLDS HER HAND UP FOR THE VENDOR... AND COLE SHIMMERS ONTO HER LAP. HE CATCHES PIPER'S EYE AND WINKS BEFORE CHEESILY SAYING:  
  
COLE: One hotdog, and I'm all yours babay.  
PIPER: Oh god. That's so clichéd. Go away until we're ready to deal with you again. Go on, go! Shoo!  
  
COLE MAKES SOME WHINING NOISES BEFORE SCAMPERING OFF INTO THE CAGE TO SNIFF LEO'S CROTCH.  
  
PAIGE: Look! I think they're finally moving again!  
  
SHE POINTS TO PRUE AND PROO, WHO HAVE FINALLY FLOWN UP TO EACH OTHER IN THE RING, AND HAVE BROKEN OUT OF MATRIX TIME. THEY BOTH LAND A COUPLE OF PUNCHES BEFORE THEY BOTH FALL BACK ONTO THE GROUND.  
  
PROO: OW!  
PRUE: Shit! That really hurt.  
PROO: I think my hips broken.  
PRUE: My back hurts.  
PROO: Then it'll be all the easier to kick your ass!  
  
PROO CRAWLS ACROSS THE RING TO PRUE AND JUMPS ON TOP OF HER, BEFORE PULLING HER HAIR AND SQUEALING. PRUE SLAPS AT PROO AND RIPS HER SHIRT. ALL OF A SUDDEN IT BEGINS TO RAIN AND MOST OF THIER CLOTHES MAGICALLY FALL OFF.   
  
PIPER: Lesbiums.  
PAIGE: Mmm-hmm.  
LEO: If I wasn't so gay I'd enjoy that...  
  
THEY BOTH TURN TO HIM WITH SHOCKED LOOKS ON THEIR FACES. LEO LOOKS BEHIND HIM WITH A PANICKED FACE.  
  
LEO: Um.. who said... uh... that? Certainly wasn't me! I'm as straigt as... that... nail!  
PIPER: Isn't the phrase as crooked as a nail?  
LEO: Oh shut up, you think you're the boss of me!  
PIPER: That's because I am.  
LEO: Yes mam...  
  
AND THAT IS THE END OF THIS CHAPTER! TUNE IN NEXT TIME TO SEE IF FEEBEE EVER STOPS TRYING TO TELL HER WAL*MART STORY, IF LEO KISSES LIERRE AND HOW THE ULTIMATE PROO VS. PRUE BATTLE TURNS OUT! 


	15. I'm spinning around, doo dooby doooooo

PROO AND PRUE ARE EACH IN THEIR RESPECTIVE CORNERS, WAITING FOR THE NEXT ROUND TO BEGIN. PROO IS DRINKING FROM A BOTTLE AND SPITTING IT ON FEEBEE, WHO HAS WALKED OUT TO FIND WHERE THE ROCK RAN OFF TOO. PRUE IS WIPING HERSELF DOWN WITH A TOWEL AND LOOKING AROUND FOR LIERRE. SHE WAVES AT HIM AS SHE SEEMS HIM ON THE EDGE OF A NEARBY CLIFF.  
  
BELL: DING DING!  
PIPER: Did that bell just say ding ding?  
PAIGE: I wasn't listening.  
PIPER: I'm gonna go see whats wrong with this cockamaymee bell.  
  
PAIGE ROLLS HER EYES AND LOOKS AT THE ROCK, WHO'S TRYING TO HIDE BEHIND HER.  
  
PAIGE: Don't you just hate it when she says words like that?  
ROCK: ...  
PAIGE: Fine, don't talk, bitch! ROCK!  
  
PAIGE SHE CALLS FOR THE ROCK AND IT DISAPEARS IN A SPECKLE OF ORBS. SHE WAVES HER HAND AROUND HER HEAD A FEW TIMES AND THEN SENDS IT SPINNING AWAY THROUGH THE AIR. THE ROCK SCREAMS AS IT REAPPEARS A FEW METRES AWAY AND CAREENS TOWARDS LIERRE.  
  
LIERRE: At least I'm safe from that Leo freak and the small hairy freak of Italian descent. I can watch the Prue vs Proo battle in black-clad peace.  
  
HE SMILES AND WAVES AT PRUE AGAIN AND THEN SCREAMS AS A LARGE ROCK FLIES TOWARDS HIS HEAD. HE RUNS AROUND ON THE SPOT FOR A FEW SECONDS AND THEN SCREAMS LIKE A GIRL AS IT IMPACTS WITH HIS FOREHEAD. AS HE FALLS UNCONSCIOUS, AND OFF THE CLIFF, THE ROCK BOUNCES OFF AND HITS A PASSING SEAGULL.  
  
SEAGULL: Squawk? *raspberry noise*  
  
THE UNCONSCIOUS SEAGULL DROPS OUT OF THE SKY AND HITS PAIGE IN THE HEAD. AS SHE JUMPS UP AND RUNS AROUND SCREAMING, THE SEAGULL BECOMES TANGLED WITH HER HAIR.  
  
PAIGE: Ai! Ai! Aiieeee!  
FEEBEE: Shut up, Paige. I'M looking for MY rock. It ran off while I was telling MY Wal*Mart story. All your screams of pain and emotional fright are scaring him off! You inconsiderate... thing!  
  
PAIGE RESPONDS BY RUNNING OVER TO FEEBEE AND WAVING HER ARMS AROUND HER HEAD, SCREAMING EVEN LOUDER.  
  
PAIGE: Ohhhh, Owww... I mean, OWWWW!  
FEEBEE: Rock? ROCK! Rocky rock rock rockerson McRo-oooooock!  
PAIGE: I said... AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEE!  
  
SHE DOES AN EXTRA LARGE FLOURISH OF HER ARMS AND 'ACCIDENTALLY' KNOCKS FEEBEE DOWN A SMALL PATHWAY THAT LEADS TO A SHARK PIT. SHE SCREECHES AND ROLLS DOWN THE GRAVELLY PATH AND OUT OF SIGHT. PAIGE STOPS SCREAMING AND PUSHES THE SEAGULL OUT OF HER EYES, AS THE SCREAMS STOP AND THERE'S A LARGE SPLASH.  
  
PAIGE: Um... ooops? Piper! I've done something that I'm not sure how you'll feel about.  
PIPER: Not now Paige. I'm still trying to see whats happening with this bell.  
  
SHE BENDS DOWN AND SQUINTS AT IT, TRYING TO SEE IF THERE'S ANYTHING OBVIOUSLY WRONG WITH THE BELL. AS SHE INSPECTS IT MORE THE FIGHT STARTS IN THE ARENA.  
  
PRUE: So, I heard something the other day.  
PROO: Oh yeah?  
PRUE: Yeah. I heard that you SUCK!  
PROO: Only for money! I mean... LIES!  
  
SHE WAVES HER HAND AT PRUE AND WATCHES AS HER EXACT DOUBLE IS KNOCKED INTO THE AIR. PRUE CRASHES BACK DOWN ONTO THE STRETCHY RING BARS AND IS CATAPULTED TOWARDS PROO.   
  
PROO: Dayum!  
  
SHE WAVES HER HAND AT PRUE AGAIN AND SENDS HER CRASHING INTO ANOTHER SET OF BARS. PRUE HITS THEM AT AN ANGLE AND BOUNCES OFF, FLYING ACROSS THE RING TOWARDS ANOTHER SET. SHE HITS THEM AND RICOCHETES OFF TOWARDS THE OPPOSITE SIDE.  
  
PRUE: Shit shit shit shit shit shit... woooooah!  
PROO: As funny as this is I am scared for my precious precious life.  
  
MEANWHILE, IN THE SHARK PIT:  
  
FEEBEE: So, I says to her - wait. Are you listening?  
SHARK: ...  
FEEBEE: Don't give me the silent treatment! I get enough of that from Proo!  
SHARK: Snap snap gargle  
SHARK2: Gargle snap McSnapperson.  
FEEBEE: What? Don't talk in code, Piper and Paige made their own one so I wouldn't be able to talk to them.  
SHARK: What English? I mean... Gargle snappy snap gargerella  
  
THE SCENE FREEZES AND THE SHARKS ROLL THEIR TINY EYES AND TURN TO THE CAMERA. OR AT LEAST WOULD IF THERE WAS A CAMERA.  
  
SHARK: We were actually just talking in our own fishy language.  
SHARK2: I don't know whats up with her, but she is one dumb human. I mean I've met some morons in my time-  
SHARK: No, Bob, not now. There's people watching.  
  
HE GESTURES TO THE CAMERA AND WAVES A FIN AT HIS THROAT. BOB SNAPS HIS MOUTH SHUT AND TURNS AWAY.  
  
SHARK: Oh come on, don't be like that.  
SHARK2: Why shouldn't I? You're always so rude to me in front of other people.  
  
HE WAVES HIS FINS EMOTIONALLY AND SALTY TEARS FLOW DOWN HIS GREYISH FISHY SKIN STUFF. THE FIRST SHARK SHAKES HIS HEAD IN AN EXASPERATED WAY AND THE SCENE STARTS UP AGAIN.  
  
FEEBEE: Oooh! Shiny!  
  
SHE POINTS TO BOB'S MOUTH AND FIXES HER HAND AROUND ONE OF HIS TEETH. WITH A GRIN SHE RIPS IT FROM HIS MOUTH AND HOLDS IT UP TO THE LIGHT.  
  
FEEBEE: Mmm, shiny ones for Feebee.  
SHARK: Oh god! Bob! Are you ok?  
SHARK2: Did she just do that? Tell me she didn't just do that!  
SHARK: She did, she did. Oh my god Oh my god. There's so much blood.  
SHARK2: Thats it. I'm leaving. This pool just got too mentally deficient for me.  
  
BOB FLIPS HIS TAIL A FEW TIMES AND PROPELLS HIMSELF OUT OF THE WATER. HE SAILS OVER FEEBEE'S HEAD TOWARDS THE MAINLAND. THERE'S A LOUD SLAP AS HIS TAIL IMPACTS WITH HER HEAD. FEEBEE IS KNOCKED BACKWARDS AND BOB'S TOOTH FLIES FROM HER HAND TOWARDS THE WRESTLING ARENA.  
  
FEEBEE: OW! Feebee got a boo boo! BOO BOO!  
  
SHE HOLDS HER ARMS OUT TO THE FIRST SHARK AND HER LOWER LIP TREMBLES. THE SHARK RESPONDS BY SNAPPING HIS JAWS TOWARDS THEM, BUT RETRACTS AS HE SEES THE AMOUNT OF THICK LUXURIOUS HAIR COVERING THEM. HE FLICKS HIS TAIL AND GOES FLYING AFTER BOB, TRYING NOT TO RETCH.  
  
FEEBEE: I lost my shiny one! And I couldn't tell my wal*mart story.  
  
SHE SCREAMS AND HITS THE WATER PETULANTLY. BACK OVER AT THE WRESTLING RING:  
  
PIPER: Paige, I'm busy with the bell!  
PAIGE: But didn't you hear what I said?  
PIPER: Of course.   
PAIGE: But I might have knocked Feebee into a shark pit. 'Accidentally' of course.  
PIPER: See now, there's the thing. Its hard to believe you when you keep doing the air quotes as you say the word 'accidentally'.  
PAIGE: True. Oh well, its not like we haven't intentionally tried to kill her before.  
PIPER: That's one of those 'Its funny 'cos its true' things.  
  
THEY BOTH LAUGH AND IGNORE THE REPETATIVE SOUNDS OF BOUNCING BEHIND THEM.  
  
PROO: Its so strange that I haven't been hit yet. Oh well.  
  
SHE SHRUGS AND TK'S A TEAPOT AND PORCELAIN TEA CUPS OVER TO HER SIDE. SHE DELICATELY TIPS THE TEA IN AND ADDS MILK. SUDDENLY THERE'S A GLOWING BESIDE HER AND ASTRAL PROO APPEARS, HOLDING A SUGAR DISH AND SILVER TONGS.  
  
ASTRALP: One lump or two?  
PROO: 5.  
  
ASTRAL PROO PLOPS 5 LUMPS IN AND THEN DISAPEARS. PROO STIRS HER CUP AND THEN LIFTS IT DAINTILY TO HER MOUTH, PINKY FINGER EXTENDED. SHE TAKES A LONG LOUD SLURP AND BURPS BEFORE THROWING THE CUP OVER HER SHOULDER.  
  
PROO: Goddamn! Will you just hurry up and die already?!  
PRUE: AAAAAAAAAIIIIiiiieeeeeeee...  
PROO: How rude. Some of us have places to go and people to verbally abuse.  
  
PRUE IS NOW MOVING SO FAST TIME AND SPACE IS BEING WARPED IN THE WRESTLING RING. THE AIR BLURS AND RIPPLES IN HER RANDOM AND LETHAL PATH.THERE'S A SUDDEN AND DEAFENINGLY LOUD TEARING SOUND, AS TIME AND SPACE RIPS APART. THE RING TURNS BLACK AND STUFF STARTS TO GET SUCKED IN.  
  
PROO: Well goddamn! I didn't even have time for a second cup of teaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.....!  
  
HER VOICE TRAILS OFF AS SHE ELONGATES AND IS GRADUALLY SUCKED INTO THE HOLE. SHE DISAPEARS WITH A FLASH. SOON AFTER THERE'S ANOTHER FLASH AS PRUE DISAPEARS THROUGH. A STRONG WIND IS GENERATED AS THE RIP CONTINUES SUCKING. LEAVES AND TREES AND ROCKS AND MAMMALS FLY TOWARDS THE HOLE.  
  
PAIGE: Piper! Let's orb out!  
PIPER: But what about the bell?  
PAIGE: Leave the bell! For now its mysteries must be left undiscovered!  
  
AS SHE BEGINS TO ORB THE BELL IS RIPPED FREE AND DRAWN INTO THE DARK SWIRLING TEAR. PIPER SHRIEKS AND THROWNS HERSELF TOWARDS IT, DRAGGING PAIGE ALONG. SHE TRIES TO ORB BUT THE GLOWING LIGHTS ARE STRETCHED AND SUCKED AWAY.  
  
FEEBEE: Hey. where is everyone? Whats that big hole thing? I hope it isn't a rip in the space and time continuim!  
  
SHE WALKS OVER AND BENDS IN TO GET A CLOSER LOOK. COLE AND LEO, TROUSERS AROUND ANKLES AND BARE CHESTED, FLY TOWARDS HER, AND THE HOLE, SCREAMING SHRILLY AND TRYING TO COVER THEMSELVES UP. AS THEY WHOOSH PAST FEEBEE, COLE REACHES OUT AND GRIPS HER ARM, PULLING HER TOWARDS THE VORTEX WITH THEM.  
  
FEEBEE: BUT MY SHINY THING!  
  
BOBS TOOTH, AS IF BY MAGIC, FLIES OUT OF THE AIR AND INTO THE SUCKHOLE, EMBEDDING ITSELF IN FEEBEE'S HEAD. SHE SCREAMS AND DISAPEARS. LIERRE, WHO IS MIRACULOUSLY HANGING ONTO THE CLIFF, SIGHS TO HIMSELF AND LETS GO.  
  
LIERRE: Good bye cruel world.  
  
HE FALLS TOWARDS THE SHARP ROCKS AT A LETHAL SPEED, BUT LUCKILY (OR IS THAT UNLUCKILY?) IS DRAGGED SIDEWAYS THROUGH THE AIR AND DOWN THE HOLE. THERE'S A FINAL FLASH OF LIGHT AND THE TEAR CONVENIENTLY SHUTS, WITH A LOUD ZIPPING NOISE. SILENCE PREVAILS...  
  
ROCK: ...  
  
A/n. Oh. My. God. What the hell just happened? Are our intrepid heroes dead? Doomed to a hellish eternity spinning in the vortex? Or will they land in a new place, in which wacky hi-jinx will no doubt ensue? Reveiw me and I'll tell you, next time on Charmed does the countryside :P 


End file.
